


Rumours Ruin Reputations

by aweirdkindofyellow



Category: All Time Low (Band)
Genre: F/M, Fame, Post-Divorce
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-03
Updated: 2019-08-01
Packaged: 2020-06-03 12:40:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 44,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19464205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aweirdkindofyellow/pseuds/aweirdkindofyellow
Summary: Stevie Elise King – or should I say Barrett now – is one of those actors. She got in the business as soon as she left high school, staring in major motion pictures from a very young age. And that was where she met Travis King, her characters love interest. Little did they know it would blossom into love, which quickly turned into a marriage at age 20. They managed to keep it work for 5 years until things started going wrong and a divorce was filed.What happens when the tabloids find out? Will Stevie ever be able to find love again or will the rumours ruin her?





	1. With All These Rumours I Go Down

_Everybody knew._ It was all over the magazines, written about on every website, shown on countless of TV channels, discussed on YouTube gossip channels, but worst of all, talked about wherever I went. Somehow they found out; somehow the secret was no longer ours to tell. We had been wanting to do this without anybody intervening, and then we would make it public. But that couldn’t happen anymore. Everybody knew the divorce was happening, and we couldn’t hide it. This was it.  
  
Our names were all over the headlines: _Stevie and Travis Knight file Divorce! Scandal or Thought out? / Caught Cheating? Who’s to blame? / Travis and Stevie Spilt! Storming Out._ People just didn’t understand to concept of privacy. You would expect me to get used to all the attention and paparazzi that always follow me, but I never did. Nobody could ever get used to that. People freak out as soon as they think the government is spying on them, yet they continue to look for the latest gossips, _those fucking hypocrites._  
  
Travis and I met on the set for the first big movie we both starred in. It was one of those typical high school romance movies. We were both 19 and so naive. Everything went too fast and before I knew it there was a big diamond ring on my left ring finger. I wish I could deny it, but we were deeply and madly in love. The small wedding happened and I couldn’t be happier. But that’s when the pressure started happening. The question about when we would be having kids immediately was asked wherever we went. Tabloids couldn’t stop freaking out about the cute couple that became reality. We managed to ignore it all for such a long time, but we grew up as well. Things weren’t going as well with our relationship anymore about half way through. It was the worst rough patch we ever went through. We were still married, but Travis would sleep with other girls. That was our agreement, however. After that we managed to fix it, but it didn’t last long. We just weren’t in love anymore. And that’s when we decided to get a divorce.  
  
It all started three months prior. We lived apart, I got my own new house since I had been wanting to move for quite some time already, and we met the separation requirements. It wasn’t that difficult living far away from my husband, he wasn’t there most of the time already, so I just got to enjoy a new environment while doing what was needed. Everything was going well, and our divorce was in action. And then this happened. This was the last thing I needed while trying to finalize the entire thing!  
  
I was sitting at the wooden bar I had in my modern black kitchen, my laptop open on my social media, freaking the _fuck_ out about what was happening. Never had I ever been in a situation like this before. Rumours never had been that big and widespread about me. I had my fair share of things being said that weren’t true, but those things blew over or things would get fixed quickly. But this was a whole new level. It was even bigger than Beyonce suddenly bringing out an unexpected album! There were even quotes of things I apparently said, but obviously never did. I never mentioned the divorce between Travis and I, how the _fuck_ would they find things of me talking about it?  
  
This was all so stressful and I felt like I could burst out into tears at any moment. Luckily, I had my manager and best friend, Judy, here with me through everything. She was only a couple years older than me, 29 to be exact, so I immediately hit it off with her when she became my manager three years ago. We went through everything together. She was there when Travis first suggested we took a break, and at first I didn’t take it that well, but she helped me realise it was for the best. And I was there for her whenever she needed my help. It was difficult making new friends when you are surrounded by paparazzi and bodyguards all the time, but at least I had one good friend.  
  
“There’s nothing you can do about this,” Judy was rubbing my back to comfort me while she looked over my shoulder at the computer screen, “people will expect you to make appearances and explain all about it, but you should just stay calm. There also isn’t anything we have to cover up; there was no cheating going on and no fighting. It was a mutual agreement.”  
  
“I know,” I sighed and mumbled, running my fingers through my hair, which gradually went from black to blonde, and closed the laptop. Looking at all the things being said would only be worse, just as much as I really wanted to know what the rumours were. “It just sucks, you know? I wasn’t prepared for this yet. Travis and I were going to make it public as soon as it was all finished, and then I would have all the answers ready, but now I don’t. Things aren’t official yet and people are going to try their best to twist my words. I just wish I could go back to when I was 16 years old before this whole actor thing started, before I had my first audition. I want to go back to when I was that geeky theater kid, not the kid who got a role in the next hollywood movie, not the cute girl from the movie, not the main character of that one book that was turned into a movie. I just want to be myself, and I haven’t gotten the chance to be that.”  
  
“But now you do, darling,” Judy encouraged me, causing me to look to my left so see her smiling at me, “you no longer have to keep up the reputation. You can be yourself now; you can be the fun girl I have gotten to known. There is no worrying about how you make Travis look now! This is all you. This is the new Stevie Elise Barrett!”  
  
I laughed at her enthusiasm and nodded my head, “you are very right. This is my chance! I get to be who I want. No more bullshit about who I’m hanging out with, no more judgement of the clothes I wear. I’m just going to be who I want! And I’m going to start as soon as I have to make my first public appearance!”  
  
“Which is tomorrow!” she added with much intensity and passion, like the short speeches we had both given before.  
  
“Yes!” I exclaimed, standing up fully and proudly, before is suddenly hit me, “wait, _what!?!”_  
  
“The APMAs, they are tomorrow. It’s the 21st of July, Stevie. I’ve been telling you about this for months now!” Judy seemed frustrated with my lack of capability to listen to her unless it really interested me.  
  
I turned to her, giving her the weirdest look ever, my eyebrows were furrowed and my mouth was slightly ajar with confusion, “the _APM-what?”_  
  
“APMAs,” she corrected, rolling her eyes and opening her laptop. Before I could ask what she was doing she opened a webpage showing us all about it, “the Alternative Press Music Awards. It’s an award show for mainly rock, punk, and all the subgenres. You are going to be doing that celebrity interviews other celebrity/celebrities thing. I’ve been telling you about this since we got the offer!”  
  
I shuffled to the freezer and got a tub of ice cream and two large spoons so we could look at all the details of the event with a nice snack, “ok, so. I have to go to that place and interview some of the artists there. Ok, I can do that,” I nodded to myself, trying to convince myself that I could do this without any preparation, “do I get questions to ask or…?”  
  
“You’ve got some basic questions for specific bands, who you have to try to get to you to interview, then there’s general questions you can ask anybody, and everything else you have to do by yourself,” Judy started explaining the whole process to me, which was a lot to take in. I was going to have to ask random bands I didn’t even know specific questions. This was so going to be a fail! Get ready tabloids, here’s more for you to write about.  
  
I sat down at one of the barstools and inspected what I could already see on the webpage, stuffing a spoonful of cookie dough ice cream in my mouth, “so, who are the bands that I’m going to have to interview?”  
  
“Oh gosh,” she shook her head and hid it in her hands, “there are so many, but how about I tell you which are the biggest, and then we can google some of them.”  
  
And so we started to look and the line up and the specific awards they were nominated for. There were so many different bands, with so many different looks. Judy and I even listened to some of the songs, and I got into some of them, others not. We googled the basic facts and may or may not have stalked some of them on social media to see what they were like. This wasn’t my scene, but it was the perfect place to begin to start my whole new self… or my real self. Start small, go bigger, I would say.  
  
“Oh, wait,” Judy suddenly gasped, “I totally forgot to show you one of the biggest bands! You know, the two guys who are presenting it? Yeah, they’re in that band.”  
  
“Ok, show them to me,” I stirred around some of the softer ice cream with my spoon while Judy went to look for a couple of pictures. Google images loaded and I saw four guys. But, unlike many of the other bands, they looked very young in some of the photos, and older in some of the others. These guys must have been around for pretty long. “They’re pretty good looking.”  
  
“They definitely are,” Judy gushed, scrolling endlessly through the photos, “and many fans of this music seem to think too, so you have to make sure you manage to interview them. They’re called _All Time Low_. It would be best if you get them for quite long. Sometimes they only answer one or two questions, but you’ve got to keep these guys around for longer.”  
  
“With what? My charms or something?” I snorted, only imagining how bad that would be. But those guys actually looked really good. My teenage self would totally have a crush on all of them, there wasn’t one that wasn’t hot. “How old are they actually?”  
  
“The 27 to 28 age range. Why? Do you have an eye on one of them or something?” she nudged me and gave me the most mischievous smirk I ever saw. Ever since I told her that Travis and I weren’t working out, which was a very long time ago, she had been hinting at setting me up with someone, but I didn’t really want it. “I can tell you two of them are taken, and I’m not sure about the other, but the guitarist is single and ready to mingle.”  
  
“Who’s the guitarist?” I asked before starting to chew on my spoon, something I always did subconsciously.  
  
She pointed at a tall man with deep black hair and a white streak through it. He had some scruff covering his face, but it seemed to suit him. I definitely understood why all those teenage girls would freak out over somebody like that.  
  
“It’s so not going to happen, Judy,” I laughed, giving her a small eye roll, “I’m in the process of getting a divorce. Maybe when that’s all over, I’ll be ready to get back in the game, but I’m more focused on being myself now.”  
  
“If you say so,” she shrugged, still not having stopped scrolling through all the photographs this band had taken.


	2. Making My Own Choices and Diverting Attention

Normally, if I had to make appearances like these, I would have somebody to dress me, do my makeup and get my hair looking all pretty. _But not today_. Judy had organised for my usual stylists to come and get me ready, but I wanted to start off being that new person; I wanted to start being myself. I was going to dress myself, do my own makeup, and leave my hair to airdry for once. There was no way I always needed people to do everything for me.  
  
But now, while standing at the red carpet, I was kind of regretting my choice. The sun was hot, and although I was wearing a pretty short casual dress, I also made the stupid mistake of wearing knee high boots, a leather jacket, a black fedora, and black tights. It was just way too warm for what I decided to wear, but then again, the stylists would have probably made me wear something even warmer. They used to help me with outfits pretty often, since I was the worst at fashion as a teenager. However, I knew my way around now, so I really wanted to become more independent. So what if I made a mistake? It would be mine to deal with.  
  
I interviewed a couple of smaller bands who all really seemed to appreciate that I knew some stuff about them. _Thank god for Judy._ I would have awkwardly stood there not even remembering their names if it weren’t for her. The band members were so used to nobody knowing them, but their faces already lit up just as I guessed their names and named at least one of their songs. It was nice seeing people happy, because of something I did. Sure, I did feel a _little_ guilty, since I didn’t actually fully know who they were, and I only found out literally the night before, but I gave some effort, right?  
  
And that’s when I saw them, _All Time Low_. Fans started screaming as soon as they walked past, and it just confirmed the fact that they were a really big deal, not just another random band. Everybody had told me I had to get their attention so they would come to me, but it didn’t seem necessary. I made eye contact with the man with teal hair and he smiled before bringing along the rest of the band. This was a lot easier than I expected. I thought they might have been difficult to get to me, but apparently I didn’t even have to try.  
  
“So, who are you wearing?” teal-haired guy asked me, holding his studded leather jacket with both his hands while he was wearing it, leaning forward to closely get to the microphone I was holding.  
  
“Target,” I chuckled without any shame. So what I go shopping at target as well. Just because I was able to afford it, did not mean I was going to wear designer clothes when I could find something that was much better and cheaper?  
  
The guy that had a white stripe through the left side of his hair, while wearing black sunglasses, looked very disbelieving. “No way, liar!”  
  
“Ok, fine,” I rolled my eyes playfully and held my hat tightly to show what I meant, “the hat is from target, but everything else is under 30 dollars, except the shoes, because shoes are expensive as fuck-” I froze when I said that word. Was I allowed to say that? Where was the footage actually going? With all the interviews I had done throughout my career and different rules being throw at me, I didn’t know what I could and couldn’t say. So, I quickly turned to the camera man with wide eyes. “Can I say that?”  
  
“It’s the internet,” the guy who I only briefly met before we started rolling shrugged, not looking away from the camera.  
  
The man with the black and white button up shirt and crazy colored hair ripped the microphone from my hands, uttering several swear words like he had done this many times before… which he probably had done. There was no way these guys had only done several interviews before. These guys had been around for 12 years! (Yes, my research skills really were on point).  
  
Before continuing the interview, I handed each of the guys a microphone, even though I knew one of them barely talked, one would try to talk, but the other two would steal the entire spotlight (not on purpose, but it was just their personalities that made them more outgoing that the others). I just wanted them to have to ability to talk freely and not only have the person with the microphone being able to talk. And of course I had one for myself as well. It might have been my first time interviewing, but I wasn’t _that_ stupid _._  
  
“So, first things first,” the guy with a white formal shirt and a tie said before anybody else could start saying something, “we first need to test you. Do you know our names?”  
  
I shook my head at his bluntness. Of course they would believe that I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing in this place. But I had a manager that was kind enough to prepare me. I could not even imagine how big of a disaster this would have been if I knew nothing. So, I grinned at him, acting like it was no big deal that I actually knew something, “well, I’ve met Cassadee before, so I know you’re Rian.” That was sort of bending the truth. Yes, I had met her before, and yes she did tell me about her boyfriend, Rian. But I didn’t know him because of that. I only made the connection after finding out my basic fanpage facts.  
  
“I’m impressed,” he nodded, giving me an approving look. It was well-know that Rian would often be ignored when they just started taking off, so this might have been different for once.  
  
I acted like I didn’t know any of the other names, but soon quickly said who was who. Even these guys seemed surprised with my knowledge, which I was pretty proud off. Seriously, I even couldn’t remember lines as easily as this. It was like this was some weird miracle that was saving my life. So far, I actually liked this scene way more than where I was, and I could see myself being into this a lot. All the music was amazing and I actually liked the grungy/rock style. It was way different from all the red carpet shit going on whenever I was at an award show. There was a lot less pressure here.  
  
“I actually have a couple of your songs on my phone,” I chuckled when Jack’s eyes went wide and he gasped. Yes, it was true. I did have a couple of their songs, but I didn’t think much about the artist. It was more of a I-like-this-song-so-I-will-buy-it kind of thing. But now I also knew exactly who they were.  
  
“But you don’t have all of our songs?” Alex pouted teasingly while shaking his head at me, “how dare you!?”  
  
“I’m sorry, guys,” I shrugged, acting like I was trying to play it off like it was no big deal, “I’ll make sure to fix that when I get back to my hotel.”  
  
And that’s when I decided to actually start the interview. Nobody would watch this just to see me having a nice conversation with their idols. I was sure nobody was going to watch it for me; I wasn’t that interesting, or at least I didn’t make myself seem that way.  
  
After talking a bit about their new album, _Future Hearts,_ and the awards they were nominated for, we finally got to the random questions that were for fun, you know, the useless questions that everybody enjoys. Even I enjoyed it more when interviewers asked me those questions than actual questions about the new movie I was starring in. Sure, the other questions were also important, but they were so repetitive. So, I hoped these guys felt the same way.  
  
“So, guys, what is the most reckless thing you guys have done?” I asked them since it was one of the questions I had to ask them. I knew they had been asked this question so often before because of the song _Reckless and The Brave_. But I still had to do what I was told.  
  
“Alex smashed a TV on my birthday,” Jack started speaking for his best friends, “we were in a new hotel and he got a bit too intoxicated. Let’s just say we are banned from that place now.” I laughed, even though I knew that that was going to be their answer. In the interviews that I had watched, they always gave that answer. But what I didn’t expect was Jack to return the question. “What about you?”  
  
So, I just gave my classic answer as well. I really had to be careful with what I said, or else I would get more shit than I already was getting. “Umm, probably move from Kentucky to LA and not go to college to film a movie that was basically a spin off of High School Musical. Luckily that turned out well.”  
  
“Oh come on,” Rian nudged with a playful smirk, “there must be something better!”  
  
“Definitely,” I nodded without beating around the bush or lying. “But I don’t think I can even say it on the internet. It’s goes way too far, even for all the peeps on Reddit out there. Let’s just say it involves my bachelorette party. I’m very surprised that nobody found out about what happened. I would have been in so much trouble if somebody did.”  
  
“Now you’re making me curious,” Jack pouted, wanting me to go into more detail. But there was no way I was going to say it in public. It would just make the whole divorce situation worse. I would be accused of so many things leading up to it.  
  
“Well, I bet your husband didn’t like whatever you did,” Alex laughed, bending over slightly as the sound escaped his lips. What he said actually really surprised me. Didn’t they know?  
  
“Ex-husband, actually,” I told him, earning a surprised look from the four of them, “well, almost ex-husband. I’m surprised you guys don’t know that, because everybody had been bugging me about it. But, no, he didn’t mind.”  
  
Alex looked at me with guilty eyes and a small frown, before apologizing, “oh, I’m sorry, I really didn’t know.”  
  
“Don’t be sorry about it,” I chuckled at his honestly sympathetic face and sorry demeanor, “people only know about it now, but it’s been going on for a very very long time… Anyway, this isn’t about me, but you guys! So, I’ll continue to the next question, who’s your celebrity crush?”  
  
They all seemed relieved and Alex smirked when I asked them the specific question. It was like he was brewing some evil plan underneath that electric blue hair. And what he said next confirmed it. “Jack’s celebrity crush is you.”  
  
I looked Jack dead seriously in the eye after he had confirmed it with a laugh, joking about Matt Damon also being one of them. “You’re mine.” I continued to stare at him before breaking out in a grin myself.  
  
“A match made in heaven!” Rian exclaimed, stepping in the middle of the group before returning back to his original spot.  
  
“I can’t have celebrity crushes,” I chuckled, not even actually having a crush on anybody at that moment. I mean, why would I? I had been -- wait, still legally was -- married. Travis might have done stuff with other girls, but I definitely never got together with any other guys. “I know them all; they have my phone number. I can’t have that happening! But I can deal with Jack being my celebrity crush from now on. He was a pretty awesome Jack Skellington tattoo, which I can deal with.”  
  
The other guys briefly mentioned their celebrity crushes, and somehow we ended up talking about who was the most famous person they had in their contacts. Alex answer by saying that it was probably Pete Wentz or Mark Hoppus, which was pretty impressive. Those two guys were idols for him, so it must have been amazing to personally know them. Jack, however had other plans.  
  
He took out his phone and it looked like he was searching through his contacts, but he wasn’t Actually, he had thought of the best thing anybody could do in that situation. He handed me the device and started talking before I could even look at the screen. “You, as soon as you give me your number.”  
  
“I see how it is,” I simpered, casually putting my number in the contact details. I gave myself the name _Stevie (not wonder)_ , making a joke about the name I would often be called at school, although Stevie was only my nickname. Before handing the phone back, I took a weird selfie for the profile picture.  
  
“Gotta make sure it’s real,” Rian poked Jack in a joking manner. Jack actually called the number and not even a second later, my own phone started buzzing and ringing in the pocket of my leather jacket. I answered the call, putting in on speakerphone so you could hear Jack talking.  
  
“Now I’ve got your phone number as well,” I laughed, saving his number quickly so I wouldn’t forget later. “Don’t you dare abuse it.”  
  
Since I realised Zack wasn’t really joining our conversation, and I knew that he was the rather shy one, I decided to start a conversation with him. He had recently posted on twitter that he was going to move to Hawaii, so I asked him a couple of questions about that, since I lived there for six months once when I was filming a movie. When talking to him about something he was very passionate about, he actually seemed to like to talk. I was happy I seemed to find a way. It was so sad seeing interviews where the interviewer would completely ignore the band members that talked less.  
  
“So, before we end this, I’ve got to ask you one more question,” I told them, realising we had been talking for a very long time. I had been holding them up, and I was not supposed to do that. These interviews were supposed to be short! But they kept giving me long answers and we would get so sidetracked, you couldn’t really blame me for the whole thing; the were also partially to blame. “Vampires or unicorns?” I smirked, knowing how much Alex hated that question.  
  
“Fuck this, I’m out,” Alex dropped his mic, walking away with a laugh. It wasn’t meant to be rude, and it was the perfect way to end this interview. But what was said next made my day.  
  
“No, Alex, wait, I want to continue talking to her!” Jack called out after the lead singer, pouting when he didn’t return.


	3. Should I Feel Like This? Or is it the Booze?

After our interview had finished, Jack asked me if I was coming to the after party. Unfortunately, I had to say no, because I wasn’t invited. The party was only for the bands and artists, some photographers, and plus-ones. I wasn’t any of those, so I was just going to go back to my hotel as soon as the show finished. However, Jack didn’t like the sound of that, and told me to come and be his plus-one. I couldn’t just decline that. These guys were pretty fun to be around, and it would be so weird for me not to accept to go to a party if I was asked to come. He seemed so happy and excited when I said I would do it.  
  
The show was pretty good. Different bands played, and All Time Low played a medley of classics. It wasn’t exactly my scene, but some songs really got to me. The lyrics actually meant something and weren’t degrading other people! I could so get used to this. Maybe I couldn’t get into the bands that played harder music, but All Time Low was a perfect level to start at. And although I barely knew them -- or didn’t know them at all -- I felt really proud when All Time Low won all the awards they were nominated for. I had been nominated countless of times for big awards, but the only thing I ever won was best female performance at the MTV Movie Awards.  
  
I made my way out of the arena where the show was being held, and started making my way to the venue for the after party. Of course there were people waiting for me to come out. Cameras were flashing and everybody tried to come closer to me, asking me questions about my day or about the divorce. Whenever I was spotted somewhere, paparazzi were soon to follow. Innocent bystanders seemed to be so confused about what was happening. I felt so bad about stealing the show from everybody else; I _didn’t_ want all this attention! All I was doing was literally walking from one place to another. Was that really that interesting? Did people really need to know I walked? And who cared about what I was wearing! This was my life, not anybody else’s.  
  
I ignored all the clicks of the cameras and the shouting of the paparazzi. There were always those stupid people that would tell all the others to back off, to only invade my personal space themselves. I was so happy when I finally reached the club rented especially for this event, and got let in in no time. I wasn’t sure if the bouncer let me in because Jack told him I was coming, or that he just let me in because I was famous. And that was another annoying thing about being who I was. You just never knew whether people did stuff because of your name and status or because they actually knew you. I just hoped Jack asked me to come because he was being nice, and not because he could walk around telling people I was here with them.  
  
Punk music was blaring over the speakers, colorful lights were illuminating the walls, ceiling, and floor, and people were standing all over the place. But there was one problem. I didn’t know anybody here. My interview with All Time Low caused me to miss the opportunity to talk to any other bands. I got stares from all over the place as I walked through the crowd. For once, I actually felt uncomfortable. I was used to having people look at me, but this felt a lot weirder and more awkward. I did not fit in here.  
  
But I composed myself, and continued my way to the bar. Having a drink would probably help me ignore all the stuff going on around me. I sat down at one of the barstools, since only a couple of other people were sat there as well, and waited for the bartender to come up to me and ask me what I wanted. Drinks were being bought, made, and drunk like it was nobody’s business. People would sing along with the choruses and scream along with the popular hooks. Everybody seemed to know everybody, and I was just here trying to get a drink. How pathetic was that! Normally I was the well known person around, but it was no longer like that. I didn’t belong here, and now I was the outsider.  
  
Looking around the place completely made me forget that I actually had an order to place in no time. I was lost in my own thoughts and bewilderment when I suddenly noticed the tired guy, who seemed to be fed up with his job, standing right in front of me. It seemed like he had already asked me a couple of times, since he was staring at me with an annoyed look and shaking his head lightly at me.  
  
“Oh, umm,” I shook myself awake and desperately tried to search for an answer, looking at what other people had, but nobody had anything interesting, nor did I have a favourite drink myself, so I quickly came up with another answer, “just get me what you think will fit me.”  
  
He nodded, probably going to make the most expensive thing he had, and went to make whatever he had in mind. I swore I saw a small eyeroll when I finally decided to answer him, and I could just tell he wanted nothing more than leave this party and sleep. Having so many customers could be fun, but having to keep it up for hours was most likely energy draining.  
  
“Very interesting choice,” somebody said from just behind me before coming around to sit next to me. I looked to my right to see that the person inhabiting the seat right beside me was Jack. He was grinning at me, making his eyes wrinkle a bit at the outside corners, which was _pretty fucking adorable._ “I’m glad you came!”  
  
I chuckled at him, amazed that he was surprised that I actually came, “well, I couldn’t just say no to hanging out with you.” The bartender returned with a drink in one hand. It was bright pink, had ice in it, and a lemon was squeezed onto the v-shaped cocktail glass. I frowned at it, not really thinking I seemed like that kind of person. It only confirmed that I really had to start being myself in public and not the person everybody wanted me to be.  
  
Jack decided to quote me, and give the bartender the same order, just to see what he would receive, and gave me a wink. Not even a minute later a large glass of beer was placed right in front of him, and I just couldn’t believe it. Somewhere in the back of my mind I thought that this might have been the most expensive drink, and that that was why he gave it to me. If Jack would have gotten the same, it would have confirmed that suspicion, but it obviously wasn’t what I thought.  
  
“Are you being serious?” I grumbled, really not wanting to drink whatever this sweet mixture was. I was never into these types of drinks. So, without even asking, I switched around Jack and I's glasses, so I was now left with the much better drink. Jack laughed at my action, but didn’t complain or try to switch it back. He was probably completely fine with being stuck with the cocktail.  
  
And then there was silence between us. There were those silences which were nice and comfortable, like you were still connecting with the person, but this was not one of them; this was pretty awkward. I didn’t know how we suddenly went from laughing to this, or why it happened, but it just did. Jack was actually a pretty interesting person, and I really did want to get to know him better… if only I knew how to start this conversation-  
  
“So you’re getting a divorce?” Jack suddenly blurted out, before looking at me with wide eyes, his body freezing up, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say that.”  
  
I giggled and shook my head, it was nice to know that he felt exactly the same way. I actually didn’t seem like the weird/crazy/awkward one this time! Normally introductions were made for me, so I didn’t know how to deal with this anymore. “No, it’s ok. I don’t know what it is, but everybody thinks it’s this really big deal, while it really isn’t. It was a long time coming. Travis and I have been on and off the last couple of years, even though we were still married. We just weren’t in love anymore. It was a mutual agreement, there was no fighting, and we are still friends. The only reason why you don’t see us around each other is because the law literally requires us to stay away from each other for us to be able to do this.”  
  
“Wow, so you’ve been like this for a while? _Wow_ ,” he seemed so fascinated by me being so open about it and not hiding anything. It might seem like the next thing he asked me was another one of the awkward burst outs, but he actually seemed to be pretty serious -- with a laugh, of course. “But what about your sex life? I mean…”  
  
“Pretty nonexistent,” I told him without hesitation. Why would I hide stuff like that? The me I wanted to be was going to be open about everything, and it really looked like this was the perfect place for me to start. This random award show really was the beginning of the new me. “Travis had other relationships, but I didn’t… not even a one night stand.”  
  
 _“What!_ How can you deal with that?!” The face he gave me was so shocked. It was a pretty well-known fact that Jack was the virgin-that-really-was-the-opposite-of-one in the band. Of course this would be a big shock for him.  
  
“Something you might not be familiar with. It’s called masturbation,” I nodded, taking a drink from the beer, smiling right after it. I was so happy I switched the drinks. There was a 70% chance that I would get sick from the taste of that pink liquid.  
  
“Oh,” Jack squinted, try his best to look like he was trying to recall something, and nodded as well, “I think I’ve heard of that before.”  
  
 _“Really?”_ I chuckled, knowing that about half of Jack’s tweets contained the specific word. He was one of those guys, but I really liked it. Maybe Judy’s prediction wasn’t that weird and unrealistic.  
  
“Yeah, I think I’ve heard it being casually used in conversation before,” he stood up, taking the drink in his hand and quickly scanning the large crowd on the dance floor and inhabiting all the other space, “how about I introduce you to a small group of friends?”  
  
“Sure,” I grinned, happy he wanted to help be me less awkward in this group of people. Maybe I would be getting less stares if I could hold a conversation with some people here. “But, I’m keeping this beer.”  
  
“I like me a girl who chooses beer over a cocktail,” he smirked before leading me to his friends. He was looking in the direction and where a group of guys stood with some girls, presumably their girlfriends. The only person I recognized out of all these people was Alex, who was surprisingly still standing out with his blue hair.  
  
I followed him and bit my lip, before adding, “good.”  
  
We neared the group of people, and it was now certain that I literally didn’t know any of these people, and that it wasn’t just the flashing colorful light creating strange and sharp shadows on their faces. As soon as we stopped in front of the group of friends, greeting Jack and looking at me with bewildered eyes. I was getting introduced by the guy with skunk hair, who had seemed to get my attention very fast.  
  
“... and this is Brendon Urie,” Jack finished, pointing and somebody whose name actually seemed _strangely_ familiar. I was searching my mind, looking through all the files, so see if I could pinpoint it. It wasn’t a recent memory, but there was something about him that--  
  
“Panic! At The Disco!” I shouted as a statement. _That_ was where I knew him from! _Of course._ They were one of the most popular bands ever in my teenage years! It seemed like I wasn’t completely an outsider of this scene. And when Brendon nodded with a smile, I was very proud of myself. This was _pretty_ impressive. “Yes! I’m actually getting good at this! I think I deserve another beer for getting that right.”  
  
“You haven’t even started your first one,” Jack chuckled, pointing at the glass with the liquid that was nearly sloshing out because of my excitement. Not wanting to create a sticky mess, I stabilized my the glass by holding it more still, quickly taking a drink so it wouldn’t happen again.  
  
“So what?” I giggled, looking at how much I actually already drank from it, which actually surprised me quite a lot, “Another beer won’t hurt!”  
  
And it totally didn’t. If it weren’t for the fact that I wasn’t planning on getting drunk, I would have drunk a lot more than I had that evening. Jack and I kept subtly flirting with each other, and I couldn’t help but grin at him whenever we talked. I had only known him for a couple of hours, and it was like he already had a spell over me. Somehow he had caught my interest, and the more we talked, the more the urge to kiss him built up.  
  
 _But I couldn’t do it._ As much as I wanted to, there was no way for it to happen without it causing serious consequences. There were too many photographs and selfies being taken, that it was bound to be recorded forever somewhere in the background of one of them. With all the rumours going around already, I couldn’t make it build up even more. I was getting enough shit as it was, there was no need for it to get even worse.  
  
It all got more difficult as we danced together for a while, pressing our bodies up against each other. We weren’t _exactly_ grinding, since I was being careful, but there were quite some people on the dancefloor, so it was basically inevitable… not that I minded the contact at all, especially in my slightly buzzed state of mind. I still, however, managed to hold myself back. There was no way it would be a good idea to kiss Jack, and not just because of the news coming out, but because it would probably weird him out.  
  
I stayed for a bit longer, having found a place to sit with with all Jack’s friends. There were three couches placed around a table and everybody was strewn across them, glasses covering the coffee table. I, specifically, was sat with my back against Jack’s side, while I had pulled my legs up. Why not get comfortable with him if we were literally flirting with each other? Exactly! There was no reason not to!  
  
However, it was getting late and it was time for me to go. So, I slowly sat up straight, putting my empty glass down, before fully standing up. I grabbed my fedora and put it on my head, “well, guys, I guess it’s time for me to go.”  
  
“No,” Jack whined, grabbing my hand and trying to pull me back down beside him. His feet were kicked up. I was actually surprised by how sober he was, because I certainly wasn’t… not that I was badly drunk or anything.  
  
“I still have a photoshoot to go to tomorrow,” I told him, already dreading the next day. I was going to be like a walking zombie, people would be touching me all over, and bright lights would be shining from every direction, trying to make me look the best I could. “I don’t want to be too tired tomorrow.”  
  
“Ok, fine, but let me walk you back to your hotel,” he started to collect his stuff and get ready to go himself.  
  
“No, it’s fine,” I assured him, actually dreading what was waiting out there for me. It wasn’t that I really cared about it, but he didn’t need to get bombarded by the people that followed me daily and get bother me with my personal life. “There will probably be 20 people out there already waiting for me, I’ll be fine.”  
  
“I insist,” Jack urged, not letting to change of talking to be a bit longer go by. So, I accepted and we managed to leave after 10 minutes. He still had to say goodbye to some people, but it wasn’t like the usual company I spent with, where saying goodbye required you to literally have a small conversation with most people, and you’d be stuck there for at least another two hours.  
  
Just as expected, there were paparazzi out there waiting for me. I tried my best to ignore them while trying to have a normal conversation with Jack. My voice could barely be heard over all the shouting of questions in my direction, but eventually they all realised I wasn’t going to answer and quieted down a bit. That didn’t mean, though, that they were going to leave me alone and stop taking pictures. Jack and I just had to stop the flirty business that went down before, and I followed the rule of how far away you had to stand. Well, it wasn’t really a rule, but there was a distance that let people know you weren’t seeing each other, so I kept myself to that.  
  
And in no time we were at the hotel. Jack and I rushed inside, hoping to get rid of some of the noise. Unfortunately, the entire lobby was surrounded by large windows, so we still had to keep to the manners we had while walking. I, to be honest, was pretty bummed out I couldn’t end this the way I wanted it to end. We had to keep this all friendly, no romance involved.  
  
“Do you have to deal with that every time?” Jack chuckled, jerking his thumb in the direction of the small audience with big flashing cameras, who were stood outside so that they wouldn’t get sued for photographing on private property.  
  
“Only when they find out where I am,” I told him with a laugh, but also being very serious at the same time, “other times it can range from one lonely person to about seven of them. It really varies.”  
  
“Hmm…” he nodded, but seemed to be thinking about something else already, evident by the way he was slightly rocking on his feet and looking at me differently. “Well, I guess this is goodbye, then.”  
  
“You still have my phone number, you can always text me,” I pointed out, secretly hoping he would actually do that and not forget about me. Normally, I wouldn’t hand out my number to random people, for obvious reasons, but something made me freely give it to Jack like that.  
  
“Of course,” he smiled, like a lightbulb went off in his head, as if he had forgotten about it already. After standing for another while just looking at me, he leaned in for a hug, and I happily returned it. It wasn’t like we hadn’t had contact yet, and this was better than nothing at all.  
  
We, however, held on a bit longer than be probably should have. Neither of us wanted to leave, and we would have much rather spent more time with each other. He surprised me by suddenly whispering in my ear, but not making it obvious he was doing it, “you don’t even know how badly I want to kiss you right now.”  
  
“Oh, thank god, I’m not the only one,” I sighed in relief, happy this wasn’t just a one sided feeling. If only everybody around us couldn’t just disappear for a couple of seconds so Jack and I could easily and happily share the feeling. But that wasn’t how the world worked. “But there’s too many paparazzi, I can’t have more rumours make the whole situation going on around me make this all worse. Not just for my sake, but for your’s and Travis’ as well.”  
  
“Right,” Jack hesitantly pulled away from me, sounding quite disappointed, but there was also a hint of understanding in his tone. I really wished I didn’t have to reject him like this, but it just wasn’t how life worked for people like me. Sometimes I just wished I hadn't decided to audition for that movie and went to medical school instead, but then I probably would have ended up completely different.  
  
I quickly kissed his cheek, feeling ok with giving him that. It wasn’t very uncommon for me to do so, but I just made sure I lingered a bit so it would be a bit different that normal, however the cameras couldn’t see that.  
  
“This isn’t over, though,” I sneakily added with a smirk before slipping away to the elevators, _“make sure you text me.”_


	4. Just a Simple Little Date with a Big Ending

I ran the towel through my hair one last time as I walked out of my bathroom completely naked. You couldn’t look into my house anyway. My house was gated and in a gated community, it was impossible for anybody to enter and watch me unless they literally stood in my garden, trying to look through the windows that reflected a lot of light. Nobody got in without passing through the security first, who always called me when somebody was there and I didn’t notify them about it beforehand. It was always a way to ignore all the people I didn’t want to socialize with. If I had a shitty day and my agent came over to talk, I would just tell the security to tell her that I wasn’t home. It was as simple as that.  
  
Now, however, they already knew who was going to be coming. Jack and I had texted back and forth the last couple of days before he actually got the courage to ask me out. You see, I was totally all for the girl making the first move, and I would have done it if it weren’t for the fact that I really enjoyed the constant flirting going on between us. I wasn’t sure if something would blossom between us, but I was definitely prepared to at least have a fling with him. I mean, I was definitely sexually attracted to him, and the fact that he actually had an amazing personality made me want to pursue it. Maybe I didn’t have any other one night stands or relationships while on those breaks with Travis, but now I felt like I actually could do it without feeling weird about it. I wasn’t the girl that was shy about it.  
  
Jack had made a reservation at a pretty fancy restaurant. I had been completely ok with something that didn’t cost any money, but he insisted. However, I did request that he ask for a table somewhere in the back. It was the worst trying to eat somewhere only to have cameras flashing outside, ruining your entire meal. I did not need this date to fuck up just because some people spotted me being out. Was it really that interesting to know what I was eating? It wasn’t like that would drastically change somebody’s life, other than mine. People would always comment on things like that, telling me how to eat and live my life.  
  
Anyway, although I knew nobody would see me, I still wanted to quickly get dressed. I had luckily already planned out my outfit days before, having to look through my entire walk in closet to find something I deemed appropriate. It had to been classy, yet not too formal; enough to get Jack’s attention, but definitely not too much to be slutshamed by the media. However, the latter seemed to concern me the least. They could call me a slut all they wanted, as long as I knew what was the truth and be people closest to me knew the truth, I was fine.  
  
I settled on wearing some [clothes I felt comfortable and sexy in](http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/set?id=199451161). The army green palazzo pants I had never worn before fit nicely around my waist and made sure there wasn’t too much showing off my stomach because of the black front cross bralette I was wearing. I decided wearing very high heeled golden puzzle sandals by Sergio Rossi were the only shoes that would do the outfit justice and give me some extra length. Of course I matched all my jewelry to the color of my shoes. I had learned a couple of things from all those years being styled by professionals.  
  
Judy walked in while I was trying to pull on the top without ruining the makeup I had already done as soon as I came out of the shower. Now, that was a mistake I had made. I often did my makeup before clothes, but that only worked if what I was wearing wasn’t tight. Luckily, I managed to maneuver she shit around my head and onto my body without fucking it all up. I didn’t have any time to have to redo my entire face. With only half an hour left, I only had the time to do my hair quickly.  
  
“You look good,” Judy grinned, eying me up and down while leaning into the doorway to my closet. She had just put her phone back in her pocket and was ready to leave, having decided to stay a bit longer and wait with me until Jack came, you know, in case he stood me up. I, however, had complete faith in Jack and knew the hours I spent getting ready weren’t going to go to waste. Hell, I even waxed _everything_ for this!  
  
“Thanks,” I grinned at her, running my fingers through my wet hair to get out any knots I somehow managed to form because of my expert putting-on-clothing skills. “Now I just need to get my hair into some loose curls and put my phone and wallet in a clutch. God, this is so stressful! I haven’t been on a date in ages!”  
  
“I'll go do the clutch,” Judy chuckled, knowing that that was what I was basically asking her. She knew me too well to just stand there and watch. Also, she always managed to give me pretty vague words of advice, but it always somehow helped. I would just fill in the gaps by myself. “And don’t worry, with what you have told me, I can tell Jack is really into you. I mean, look at those texts he sends to you! There’s no way he does that with every girl he meets.”  
  
“But what if he does?” I worried, putting the wide curling iron into the socket to heat up. My hair was surprisingly doing well with how often I dyed it. You see, my hair gradually went from black to blonde, but it wasn’t naturally like that. I was actually a blonde, but people were very used to see me like this, I had had this hair color for years. Actually, I had it long enough for people to believe I had dyed my hair blonde in that high school movie.  
  
“Well, he asked you out, so it must mean something,” Judy called from the other side of my room, having chosen a clutch for me to take along. She took my phone off it’s charger and put it in along with my wallet.  
  
“Maybe,” I shrugged, still feeling a bit skeptical. He probably knew exactly how to woo a girl and then break her heart. I just really hoped he wasn’t going to do something like that to me. But then again, there was also a big chance he was perfectly fine and actually wanted to try dating me. There was no way I was going to let him use me. “It’s only our first date, anything can happen. At this stage I won’t be hurt much if it doesn’t work out, but it would also be fantastic if we do hit it off.”  
  
“True, true,” she nodded, walking into the bathroom and putting my clutch on the counter. We both looked at each other in the mirror and smiled. I could tell she was proud of me. For years I had refused to go out and meet people, but now I was actually going on a date. And it wasn’t because I was forced to, but because I actually really wanted to. A couple of weeks ago I would have probably told her I was never ever going to date again, just because I didn’t want to. But that idea definitely changed.  
  
I put the curling wand to my hair, carefully winding my hair around it. Maybe I didn’t style my hair all by myself that often, but I knew how to do some of the basics. It would be social death if I had the same exact hairstyle every single day. Now, don’t judge me, I wasn’t always like this. In high school I couldn’t care less. My hair was pretty frizzy, I barely wore any makeup, and I really bothered shaving on a regular basis. This didn’t mean I wore shorts with hairy legs or something, I just happened to really like loose-fitting jeans. Oh, and don’t forget the braces I had. And, no, I wasn’t exactly ugly, I had my fair share of guys that were interested in me, I even dated one of the hotter guys for a while, but I wasn’t exactly what you would call covergirl, which I was occasionally now. It wasn’t puberty that did it for me, it was definitely having the money to make myself look better. But never ever did I have plastic surgery.  
  
After spritzing my hair with hairspray, I turned to Judy to check my look. Fortunately, she actually approved. In this section, she was very honest, and I often had to run back to my closet to get something else to wear, or she would make me redo my make up, unless she decided it would be best if she did it for me. That’s what best friends are for, right?  
  
I gave her a smile and grabbed my clutch before walking downstairs to wait for Jack. Judy was still going to finish a couple of things while I anxiously waited for my date. I wondered if I had overdressed or underdressed, and hoped I didn’t go for the wrong style of clothes. There was no way I wasn’t going to be seen, and I didn’t need people starting rumours because of a weird fashion choice I made. I could still technically go upstairs and change, getting Judy to help me pick something out--  
  
And the door bell already rang. I took a deep breath and made my way to the large door with the matte glass. The form of Jack’s figure was on the other side, and I tried my best to calm my nerves. I wasn’t exactly nervous to be around Jack, but I hadn’t been on a date for so long. To be honest, I didn’t really know what happened on the first date, but I did know one thing I didn’t mind happening.  
  
I opened the door and grinned widely and Jack who met my eyes. He gasped quietly, taking in my appearance before returning the smile, showing off his white teeth. All my nerves dissipated and a new found confidence took over instead. I was going to enjoy myself, and I was going to be amazing while doing it.  
  
“You really look-- wow,” Jack breathed out, lost for words. It had been a while since I had gotten a reaction like this. Sure, people told me I looked beautiful or stunning, even though it was often a stock sentence, but I hadn’t gotten a reaction like this. It had been years, and that was when Travis and I were still in a happy relationship and went to a red carpet event together.  
  
So, back to the first move I was talking about earlier. I didn’t hesitate to step outside before planting my lips on Jack’s. It was too tempting to not do, and I knew this could possibly be the only chance for me to do it. Things were too risky to kiss Jack in public, even if we were hiding. Paparazzi always managed to snap pictures. Here, though, everything was safe.  
  
And Jack didn’t seem to mind either. He kissed me back briefly, but pulled away before I could even think of getting into it, “already kissing me now, and we haven’t even started our first date?” He smirked down at me, but still didn’t move away much further than an inch.  
  
“Had to finish what we started last time,” I simpered back, enjoying the sexual tension between us. It was obvious to anyone what this was going to lead to. Jack was determined to make it happen, too. He closed the space between us, kissing me with more desperation than I had kissed him. My breathing echoed back to me from his cheek, while I moves my lips along the guide he was giving me. Slowly, he pushed against me so I was pressed up against the other door that could be opened as well. His weight pressing up against me gave me goosebumps and a feeling I wanted to keep for ever. I let my hands reach up to the hair at his neck, and deepened the kiss.  
  
“Ok! Keep this for later guys!” Judy came out of the house, immediately meeting Jack and I already heavily making out. She probably thought we already left, and really didn’t expect us doing this already. As I said before, I didn’t put myself out there for such a long time, so this was definitely shocking to see. I went right for it, and I normally held back a bit.  
  
I fake pouted at her, but pushed myself off the wall nonetheless. Jack was awkwardly standing at my side, blushing slightly, yet also still seeming pretty confident. I smiled slightly when taking a quick glance at him. Somehow he already managed to get me so into him. I turned back to my best friend and pointed at my lips, “lipstick’s still ok, right?”  
  
She inspected me before nodding approvingly, “I’m impressed, it’s actually still on!”  
  
“Oh, so I’m just here for you to test your lipstick?” Jack joked adding a chuckle to the end to show that he wasn’t being serious. He fixed his suit jacket, which he had left unbuttoned, making sure it was back in place and not askew from the event that happened seconds before.  
  
“There’s a reason why I wore it,” I winked and started going down the steps that lead to my front door, “it better work.”  
  
\----  
  
Jack and I were seated somewhere in the back, in a quiet corner, like I had asked. Nobody would be able to see me sitting here just by looking through the large windows. There weren’t any flashing lights to disturb us this time. I was actually quite surprised that nobody had followed us here. There was still a small distance between where we parked the car and the restaurant. Maybe it was because we weren’t in the very active part of LA as soon as the sun went down. All the paparazzi were probably on the side with all the clubs, hoping to find some drunk celebrities they could snap invading pictures of. Here, I had only gotten a couple of looks from other people at the restaurant, but nobody actually came up to ask for an autograph or picture.  
  
It was also one of the first times I was out without a bodyguard… not that anybody other than Judy knew I was going out. I just knew that if I told David--my bodyguard who was also a very good friend--about this, he would have freaked out and insisted that he should always be somewhere in the background, watching over us. Not necessarily because he was afraid Jack would do something--although that was still a big part of the problem--but also because ‘outside is dangerous’. His job was to protect me, but he took it a step further and treated me like a little sister. So, yeah… going on a date would not sit well with him.  
  
But it was nice now. Just Jack and I, having a nice dinner, laughing at each other’s jokes and getting to know each other. It had been a while since I had had a conversation like this with somebody, but I really enjoyed it. Jack was definitely a fun person to be around, and if it weren’t for the fact that I was very sexually attracted to him and loved his personality, I would have loved to be friends with him. Now, I was hoping to be a lot more than friends.  
  
We had just finished laughing about a story Jack told. Apparently he had once stage dove, hit his nose against somebody, and started bleeding all over the place. It was _'oh so'_ gross, but just too good to be true. I could just imagine him doing that, he seemed that kind of guy who could easily play off accidents as something funny.  
  
“Ok, but in all seriousness, I don’t understand it,” Jack started, leaving me to wonder what he was talking about it. But I didn’t have to wait long, because after a small pause, he continued, “you and Travis have been broken up for years, but you only decide to get a divorce now? Why?”  
  
I knew this conversation was going to happen sooner or later. It was (according to the media) the biggest event going on in my life right now. But I guessed it was better to have it now and mess things up before it got serious, than have it break Jack and I up much later… if anything were ever to happen between us, which I was really rooting for.  
  
I shrugged, thinking it was pretty simple, “well, we got married very young, and people told us it wasn’t going to work. Well, actually, people close to us told us to be careful, while the media was completely in love with the idea. Maybe a small part in us didn’t want everybody else to be right, but that was only in the beginning. I guess it’s just because we were so used to being married, that we didn’t really think of the possibility of getting a divorce. Just recently it actually hit us, like ‘wow, we can actually get a divorce! It will be so much easier for us’. We didn’t act married anymore, except for the occasional event, but outside of that we didn’t really see each other. Why have the danger of getting caught ‘cheating’ when we can just rule it all out?”  
  
“So, you waited this long because you were too ignorant?” Jack bluntly put it, making my long explanation seem pointless. Another thing to get used to, Jack liked thing straight to the point, while I was used to giving vague answers that answered the question, but didn’t really give the answer the person was hoping for. It was not being able to talk about new projects, but still having to give people details, that did this to me.  
  
I couldn’t help but let out a small laugh, because, to be honest, he was completely right, “Yeah, I guess so. But maybe we wouldn’t have met if it didn’t happen now, you know?”  
  
“I’m not judging,” he put up his hands in defense before taking another couple of bites of the pasta he had ordered. However, it he wasn’t going to leave it at that. After taking a sip of the one glass of wine he decided to have, he opened his mouth again, “but, like, how is it now? Are you and Travis still, like, close or something?”  
  
“Hmm… Not really, but we don’t hate each other, or anything like that,” I once again started explaining, this time not trying to be as vague, which was nearly impossible. “One, we can’t really talk right now because of the whole having to be apart for legal reasons. And two, I nowhere near love him as much as I used to. It’s more like a family type of love, like I love my parents. He knows everything about me, and we did spend a couple of years really close to each other. I wouldn’t want to rip his clothes off, god no.”  
  
“Not like you want to do with me?” Jack smirked, giving me a small wink, drinking the last of the wine.  
  
He actually got me to blush a little as I grinned at him, “definitely not what I want to do to you.”  
  
\----  
  
Jack shakily reached out to unlock the front door to his apartment after our lips parted. After leaving the restaurant soon after we finished our meals, we decided to go back home. But neither of us were ready to leave yet. Before people would find out was going on, I had leaned against his car and pulled him against me to kiss him. Soon enough I was being pressed up against the vehicle even more. And that’s when we decided to go back to his place.  
  
While the car ride was pretty awkward, with both of us already wanting to get to it, everything fell back into place as soon as we were on his floor. Knowing that his bedroom was just a couple of steps away made sure that I couldn’t take my hand off him. I had been wanting to do this since the evening we had regrettably leave each other because we were being stalked.  
  
Jack turned to me one last time before he let us both in, “my roommates aren’t out in the living room, so they’ve probably already gone to bed. We've gotta be quiet.”  
  
I pushed him in and shook my head, letting my hands trail underneath his shirt, “I don’t think I can do that.”  
  
“That-- That’s fine too, I guess,” he gulped and nodded, no longer being able to contain his excitement. He pulled me to his bedroom, letting me giggle and he closed the door right behind us and locked it.  
  
I was pushed up against the wall once again as soon as we were in the privacy of his room, and no longer the open living room. His hands trailed over my body, caressing every curve, as he slowly leaned into me. I wrapped one of my legs around his waist, keeping myself steady, as I could help but tug lightly on his dark hair. Instead of going for my lips, he went for my neck, trailing kisses up and down it, sucking gently on the most sensitive spots. I couldn’t help the loud moan that escaped past my lips.  
  
I had forgotten how good human touch felt.


	5. What Did I Do To Get Myself in This Mess?

I woke up, light trying to burn my eyes. My surroundings were unfamiliar, a place I had never seen before. The naked body next to mine was still peacefully sleeping, taking small breaths as he hugged the pillow he was resting on. If it weren’t for my phone violently buzzing in my bag on the floor, I would have easily fallen back asleep. I comfortably stretched out, happy I didn’t have the problem of Jack being wrapped around me, before looking around to see if something could tell me the time. As I sat up slightly and rubbed my eyes, the digital clock on the other bedside table showed 7am.  
  
 _Who the fuck was trying to contact me this early!_ _  
_  
Wanting to let out a groan, I still got out of the bed that was still sweaty from last night’s events. Carefully, I stepped over to where the buzzing sound was coming from, picking up my panties on the way there and putting them on. Not feeling as exposed and vulnerable anymore, I took out my phone, only to see it only had 30% battery left. Well, great. If the person trying to contact me wanted to have a long chat, there was going to be a bit of a problem. But when I saw the messages my phone had been blown up with, my eyes went wide.  
  
No, it wasn’t somebody discovering what I had done with Jack. It was worse than that, _way_ worse. David had sent me countless of messages since 6am. First, it was only asking me if I was up yet and getting ready, but over time the texts turner angrier and desperate. He was freaking out more and more as each message delivered. After not finding me at my own house, he went to Judy to ask what was going on. He was coming here to pick me up. I had somewhere to be! _What?!_  
  
I quickly scrolled through the countless of messages I had skipped, not wanting to read a whole novel, to find what I possible was needed for. With my quick skimming over, I nearly missed it again. It was only a short text, but it told me everything I needed. Once again, I had forgotten an event I had to go to. At least this one wasn’t a public one. I had completely forgotten that we had a script read through for the new movie I was in. Great. I couldn’t miss this, I was the main character.  
  
To stop him from worrying any further, I shot him a quick text telling him I just woke up, but that I’d be down in 10. I could not have him ring the doorbell and try to come up. He could be pretty intimidating if he wanted, and it seemed like he was pretty pissed off already. No need to scare anybody that lived here.  
  
I looked around the room, it was pretty impressive for a bedroom in an apartment, especially if there were other people living here as well. His closet was built into the wall, large mirrors as the doors. It was open halfway, showing off the collection of shoes he was keeping there. He was almost as bad as I was, only I had them ordered in a specific way… maybe he did to. Oh well, that wasn’t what I was looking for. I saw a door, hoping it would be the bathroom. There was no way I was going to leave this place without going to the bathroom first. I could just feel the makeup I had tried to perfect yesterday, now be completely smudged all over my face. And oh god… my hair must look like a rat’s nest! I couldn’t go out like that, as much as I wished I could.  
  
I took my chances, knowing that there could be other people on the other side practically seeing me naked if my guess was wrong, but still went through with it. Fortunately for me, it was indeed a bathroom with a bath-slash-shower on one side, a toilet, and sink with a nice large mirror. I rushed in, turning on the light and preparing myself to see the hideous mess I was going to be. And just as I had expected, the once beautiful makeup was all over my face.  
  
I mentally cursed myself for not bringing makeup wipes, which I normally took with me everywhere. No, this time I was going to have to improvise. There was no way I could take one of Jack’s towels. The black stains would ruins the fluffy white cloth. Splashing and spraying water on my face wasn’t going to work either, everybody who wore makeup knew that! This stuff was easy to put on, but taking it off was a bitch. I was going to have to use everybody’s nightmare: toilet paper. It would become too soggy and break off, but it was the best option, unless Jack randomly had wipes here, and from the cupboard I looked through, he did not. He probably hadn’t had a girl stay over for a longer period of time, or otherwise this bathroom would be full of girl products. But no. Not one except for the occasional bobby pin or hair tie.  
  
After wetting a wad of toilet paper, I carefully started rubbing my face. At first the black covering my face only smudged further, making me lose hope, but eventually it actually started coming off. Using loads of toilet paper, I managed to make myself look presentable before running Jack’s comb through my hair a couple of times. At least I didn’t look like I either had the best night in my life, or the roughest night ever. I was the only one who knew it would have been the first.  
  
I tiptoed back into the bedroom, trying to make as little noise as possible. The floorboards creaked annoyingly under my weight, but Jack continued to sleep calmly. I started putting on my clothes, only to nearly fall over Jack’s shoes that were still on the floor. Freezing, I turned to his sleeping body, only to be relieved that I still didn’t wake him. Maybe this was going to be a lot easier then I expected. I was just about to put my pants on, when I heard movement going on behind me.  
  
“Where are you going?” Jack’s sleepy morning voice questioned as he rubbed his eyes to see me better. I quickly finished putting on the clothing article before turning to look at him, my eyes wide.  
  
I suddenly realised what it looked like. Not only was I being quiet and sneaky, but I was putting on my clothes and getting ready to leave without wanting him to wake up. _Shit, shit, shit!_ I didn’t want that to happen!  
  
“I, umm, this isn’t what it looks like,” I stuttered, trying to find the best way to tell him without hurting his feelings. This was going to be difficult if I didn’t get my ‘to-the-point’ face on right now. It must have looked like I was planning on leaving and never wanting to hear from him again. “I have to be somewhere… I totally forgot, but yeah…”  
 _  
Great fucking job, Stevie!_ That was the worst thing you could say! Seriously! Well good job, you just fucked up any chance you had with this guy! You finally find some guy you really like, and you go ahead and make him feel like you only wanted a one night stand. I can’t believe it! How stupid are you right now?  
  
Jack squinted his eyes and sat up, looking quite disappointed, “Are you--”  
  
“No!” I interrupted before he could even get to what he wanted to say. My heart was beating like crazy, begging for my brain to get me out of this shit. “Trust me, I don’t do one night stands. I don’t sleep around. I am not leaving because I don’t want anything happening between us, because I do. Unless, you don’t want any of that, of course, then just forget everything I said…”  
  
It might have been my mind playing with me, but he still looked really confused. I actually thought I was pretty straight forward, I literally told him that I wanted to have a relationship with him. Was that too straightforward, maybe? It didn’t seem like that was going through my mind at the time.  
  
I sighed and quickly put my hair up in a bun while sitting back down on the bed. I didn’t care if I was going to be later than what I told David. He was going have to deal with it. And I could always use the traffic excuse if I came late to the actual meeting. I mean, it was technically true. I could come in time because there were other cars on the road, and we couldn’t run red lights.  
  
But first, fix the situation with Jack.  
  
“Ok, so I’m not supposed to tell anyone, but I’ll tell you,” I started, trying my best not to notice that his naked body was just being covered by the covers. One of his legs was already sticking out, if the duvet was just moved a couple inches more, I would be able to see everything. “I’m acting in a new movie, we’re having a script read through today. I completely forgot that was today. And I have to be there in, like, an hour. Now I have a bodyguard, who’s basically my brother, freaking out because he was supposed to bring my there on time.”  
  
“Oh,” Jack scratched the back of his head, actually making the cover move the last bit so he was fully exposed, but he didn’t seem to care. I just stared right ahead, focusing on his face instead. Was he trying to get back at me or something? “I’m sorry for assuming. But you should get going, I don’t want to be the reason for you getting in trouble.”  
  
“Ok,” I stayed seated for a while without saying anything. I was sure how Jack felt about it all. While I thought everything was fine, he could possibly thinking that I just came up with the worst lame excuse ever, and I really didn’t want to leave things like that. But, on the other hand, I really had to leave. “I’ll better getting going then. I really had a great time… So, umm, I’ll text you, but if I don’t, make sure to text me, ok?”  
  
Oh god, this was so awkward. Why was I making things awkward? Yesterday, I was still so carefree and it was all so easy. But now… boy, was this so much different. I just didn’t know how to act anymore. I never had a one night stand, as weird as that may seem. This really wasn’t one, but me leaving like this was very similar to it. I just simply didn’t know what to do.  
I stood up and looked around awkwardly once more before my eyes settled on something. There was a gray zip-up hoodie hanging from a chair placed in the corner. I pointed at in and impulsively said, “can I borrow that?”  
  
“Umm,” Jack’s eyes followed to where I was pointing, running a hand through his hair, shaking his head in slight confusion, “yeah… sure, go ahead.”  
  
“Wait, is it one of your favourite ones? If it is, it’s fine, I don’t need--”  
  
“Just take it,” he chuckled, causing his eyes to squint in an adorable way, “now go, and don’t be late.”  
  
I quickly put it on and pulled up the hood, ready to hide for anything that could be in the living room or outside the apartment complex. After saying goodbye one last time, I picked up my bag and opened the door. And, weirdly enough, Jack’s roommates were actually up, eating breakfast at their kitchen table. However, when I saw that it was already eight am, I knew I really had to hurry. I made David wait an hour instead of the 10 minutes I told him it would take… _shit!_  
  
Pulling the hood to hide my face more, I shuffled quickly to the front door. Whistles followed me, coming from the three guys watching me leave. They had obviously heard everything that had gone down the night before. But it wasn’t my fault! I told Jack I couldn’t be quiet! I just really hoped they didn't know who I was. There was no way I could deal with more rumours starting now.  
  
I rushed down as soon as the door closed behind me. The large black range rover stuck out between all the lower normal cars. I ran over to it, my bare feet aching from the asphalt on the ground. Getting in the passenger seat, I was already prepared for what was to come. There was no way that David would completely be fine with this. However, I had to do something else first.  
  
“We still have spare clothes in the back, right?” I asked, but climbed over the console and squeezed myself through the seats without waiting for an answer. I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing the same clothes as I wore the day before, as much as I really didn’t want to care.  
  
David was about to scold me, but I put up the divider before he could even formulate what he wanted to say. It wasn’t that he hadn’t seen me clothingless before, but I couldn’t risk somebody looking through the windshield just to take a picture of me in my underwear. I even made sure to put up the extra shades we had on the windows in the doors, before reaching down and grabbing the bag that contained the very simple blue jeans, a gray Mickey Mouse tee, and my gray vans. It really was [emergency clothing.](http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/set?id=201948635)  
  
I put down all the screens again, leaning forward against the diver’s seat. (Yes, I know, no seatbelt. Danger! Oh my god! Yeah… with this slow traffic in LA nothing was really going to happen). I put on my sweetest smile and looked at the person here to take care of me, “Davey, we’ve got a problem.”  
  
“Goddammit,” he sighed and shook his head disapprovingly, “did you get pregnant?”  
  
“No,” I mumbled, glaring at him. I hated when people joked about that, it just wasn’t funny at all. “You know that’s impossible. I just _really really_ have to go to the bathroom.”  
  
“We’ll be there in an hour and a half, can’t you wait that out. We’re already late, don’t make yourself get into more trouble. I’m not going to be there to help you out of this.”  
  
“No,” I emphasised, making my eyes wide while shook my head, “you don’t understand. The last time I got to pee was about an hour into the date. I’ve had 3 glasses of wine and 4 glasses of water, plus a whole night since then. I can no longer hold this.”  
  
He made eye contact with me through the rearview mirror, “Stevie, seriously? Why didn't you just go at that guy’s place! You’ve been in there way longer than you told me you were going to be. Did you seriously not have any time to quickly go to the bathroom?”  
  
“Shut up. I didn’t think about it then, ok?”  
  
I grabbed an empty water bottle out of a cup holder, “Well, just pee in this bottle--”  
  
 _“Are you out of your mind!”_ I shrieked out of shock, “I can’t pee in a bottle! That is physically impossible! Dude, no!”  
  
“Well, there’s no other option…” He wiggled the bottle in front of my face, making me angrily take it from him. I just stared at the plastic in my hand. Well, how the fuck was I supposed to do this?! I didn’t know where to hold it, and there was a very large possibility of me getting it all over the beautiful leather seats in this car.  
  
“Ok, fine, but only because I feel slightly bad for you,” David breathed out. I expected him to pull over somewhere so that I could quickly run into a store or something, but instead he reached out to the glove compartment and took something out, handing it to me.  
  
I raised my eyebrows at the pink thing he gave me, “what the fuck is this and what am I supposed to do with it?”  
  
“It allows girls to pee standing up,” he explained casually, not taking his eyes off the road, “it might help you with your aim.”  
  
“What?! Why the fuck do you have this?”  
  
“For emergencies like this. I don’t know if you realise, but I only drive this car when I have you along with me. All that shit in there is for you.”  
  
“Fine.” I didn’t even care anymore. It was not going to end well if I waited any longer. After pulling down the zipper of my jeans, I tried to figure out to do with everything I was given. This was absolutely terrifying. Anything could go wrong if I was just a tiny bit off. But I just had to try, and I let go.  
  
It was definitely relieving, but everything about it was so awkward. And it was up to David to make it even more awkward, which was one of his many talents. He made a weird face and looked at me through the mirror again, making short eye contact, “that sound, though.”  
  
“Shut the fuck up,” I seethed, really not up for any of his jokes at that moment. Often I liked it when he made things even funnier, but, in situations like this, it just didn’t fit. “I need another bottle.”  
  
“Another bottle? I don’t have another bottle!” He exclaimed while the traffic light we were waiting at turned green again. I tried my best to stay upright without making anything spill, but if he didn’t get me another container soon, it was going to happen anyway.  
  
“Do you want your seats to be covered in pee?!” I shouted back in panic. This really wasn’t an everyday activity for me. I would have maybe expected to wake up with Jack, have some breakfast together, and be around each other until it was time to leave. But, nope. Nothing like that happened. I woke up at 7pm, left by eight, and was now peeing in a bottle. Oh how different reality was.  
  
David looked around the car desperately trying to find something to give to me. So much for having a glove compartment with emergency supplies, but not for something like this. My eyes lit up when I saw him pull out another bottle… but it was full. Great. Well, David even came with a solution for that.  
  
“I’m so wasting water,” he sighed and opened his window so he could pour out all the contents onto the dry scorching road that hadn’t seen water for days. Handing it back to me, I snatched it out of his hands and switched out the bottles as quickly as possible, not spilling a drop. To say the least, I was pretty impressed with myself.  
  
I never thought I’d say it, but that was the time I learnt how to pee in a bottle in a moving car. Pretty awesome, right? A very useful skill. Something nobody would ever know. A hidden talent.  
  
For the rest of the car ride, I was sitting in the front again, reevaluating my whole life. Where had I gone wrong to end up here? Oh yeah, right: falling out of love. That’s what got me into this whole mess. Minor detail, nothing too special. It wasn’t like the whole world was bothering me with it. No, not at all. It also wasn’t like paparazzi were shouting questions at me about it as soon as we got to our destination and had to get out of the car.  
  
You see, I had learned to not careabout them following me around asking occasional questions, but it was just getting annoying right now. They were only doing it to me and leaving Travis alone about it. All the tabloids had rumours about me, but not a single one about him. It was like they were trying to oppress me. A girl couldn’t do something without being judged for it. Everything she did would be wrong, no matter how often she tried to change to make other people happy. I was completely fed up with that.  
  
However, it was still relieving when I entered the building, leaving behind all those limpets running around me like lost puppies. David walked with me down the hallways and to the small studio the entire cast for the specific scenes we were running through today, were supposed to meet up. He wasn’t, however, going to come with me.  
  
“Don’t forget to throw away those bottles, because it’s pretty disgusting to have that in your car,” I chuckled and patted his shoulder sympathetically.  
  
“I have to throw them away? No way! You have to throw them away! I’m not touching that!” He looked at me with the widest eyes he could muster. He was honestly terrified of those bottles, it was actually pretty funny in my eyes.  
  
“Ah, you see, David, I can’t do that. I already have enough rumours around going on about me, I don’t need one starting because I carried around pee bottles,” I gave him a smile before opening the door in front of me and disappearing inside. There was no way I was going to do it. I would have done it, if it weren’t for the people constantly spying on me. Doing something like this always made me feel guilty and sneaky, but if I had stood there any longer, David would somehow have convinced or blackmailed me into doing it.  
  
And then I realised everybody in the room was staring at me. I knew I was a bit late, but seriously? Going all school class on me? Was that really necessary? I glared right back at them until they started feeling uncomfortable. Yep, I knew there were famous people all around me, but it seriously didn’t faze me. I was used to it.  
  
I went over to one of the corners of the room to plug my phone into it’s charger. If I needed to call David that I was going to be later or earlier, it would be useful to actually have a phone to do so with. Pigeons didn’t really work anymore nowadays.  
  
“Hey,” a guy was standing right next to me. I stood back up, leaving my phone on the floor to greet the person. _It was Travis._


	6. Awkward Encounters, Awkward Assumptions

My eyes were wide when I saw Travis standing in front of me. What was he doing here? And, no, I did not mean it in the ‘oh-my-god-I-hate-him’ way, because I seriously didn’t hate the guy. I just didn’t understand what he was doing here. People seeing us this close together could lead to serious consequences. As much as I would like to catch up with him, since he was still my friend, we really couldn’t be doing that. This was dangerous territory.  
  
“Travis, what are you doing here?” I said with pleasant surprise, but actually genuinely being very confused. The only logical explanation was that he was also in this movie, but I still asked. It was like asking somebody something you already know the answer to.  
  
“Same reason you are,” he confirmed my thoughts with a smile, “I only have a super small role, though, basically an extra. I’m just the drug dealer, no biggy.”  
  
I laughed at his comment, but it wasn’t like my role was any better. Sure, I was the main character, but this whole movie wasn’t all too happy and was actually quite eerie and dark. It was certainly new territory for me. “Look at us, we started out as the happy-go-lucky teenagers and now we’re playing drug dealers and a girl who’s a drug addict and dates an older man for money only to fall in love with his son while he’s trying to help her get out of it. Definitely a whole new thing. I never thought I’d be playing roles like this a couple years back. Tell 19 year old me that I’d be playing in this movie and I’d laugh in your face.”  
  
“Same for me,” he smirked, thinking back to our first movie as well, “but I’ve always been fascinated by the weird roles.”  
  
“Yeah, I know,” I shook my head at him while I remembered the occasional times I’d help him prepare for auditions. It was completely normal for me to help my husband seem more psychopathic just so he would ace the audition. Weird for other couples, but it was normal for us. However, I still didn’t know if what we were doing now was fine, “But are we supposed to be this close to each other right now? I don’t mean it in a bad way, but it would be terrible having to basically ignore each other for a couple months only the fuck up at the end and not being granted a divorce.”  
  
“No, it’s fine, there’s a guy constantly watching us now, though,” he nodded his head towards a wall where a very official looking person was keeping an eye on us, “we can’t really help having to be around each other for work, as long as nothing else happens. I just thought I’d come say hi now before you’d question it all and be freaked out by him watching us. Just, no silly business.”  
  
“Trust me, no silly business. That would have happened months ago, there’s no way it’s going to happen now,” I rolled my eyes. I didn’t understand having to do the whole separation thing before the divorce. Yeah, I knew it was necessary because some couples couldn’t do it, but Travis and I had been doing it for quite a long time already. We both knew we were completely ready and could live our lives on our own; we didn’t really need a test to prove that. But if the government needed it, then sure. I was also ready to go on with my life without being shamed for it.  
  
And then my phone buzzed on the floor, I went to pick it up expecting a text from David telling me how disgusting he thought the bottles were, but no. It was Jack instead. And forget about the funny business thing, because the message he sent me was really weird. No, not because what he did was weird, but because of what I did. I somehow had managed to leave my shoes at his place. _How the fuck do you leave your shoes at somebody’s place!_ I literally walked out of his apartment not wearing any shoes and I didn’t even think about it. How the shit did I do that? I remembered the asphalt hurting my feat, and I didn’t even think twice about the fact that there was nothing on my feet, not even when I changed into other clothes! How did I do that!  
  
I let out a sigh, I really needed those shoes back or I was going to have serious trouble with my stylists. They absolutely hated it when I lost clothes, even though they were all my possessions and I paid for everything. It just meant they’d never be able to use it again, which made no sense to me because they basically always bought new stuff… Just don’t lose any clothes around them.  
  
I quickly shot a text back to Jack, telling him I’d drop by after I was finished, but that I had no idea how late that would be, before decided it would also be a good idea to tell David after all that happened this morning. I didn’t want him to be annoyed with me by changing the plans again without giving him any notice beforehand. He would always still do what I told him, but he would show his annoyance for quite some time, and he would also use it to blackmail me later on. It was just way better if I told him straight away. Don’t you agree?  
  
Later on, I met all the other people who would be playing in the movie, including the co-star who my character was going to have to fall in love with. He was supposed to play a teenager, while I played somebody who was around my age. You might have heard of him before: Nat Wolff. Yeah, you know, from the John Green movies. He was only four years younger than me. I just hoped I could make the whole thing realistic enough…  
  
\---  
  
I was holding a large box of donuts in my hand as we pulled up at the small parking lot in front of Jack’s apartment block. Why was I holding donuts? Well, that’s a simple answer. There were loads and loads of donuts at the script read through and we just didn’t eat them all in one go. I couldn’t just let them be! Seriously, who would I be if I just left them there for nobody to eat them?! I couldn’t just do that! If donuts were involved, I didn’t care if people were going to judge me. I could easily just exercise to get rid of those extra calories, it wasn’t such a big deal. Trust me, I was the person who would eat everything coming in their way, but actually worked out a lot to stay the way I was. Although I did think I was pretty thin lately and I wasn’t sure how I felt about it…  
  
My weird always-thinking-about-food mind made a terrible mistake and made me stuff a donut in my mouth just as David turned the engine of the car off. Yeah, not such a smart idea, amiright? I didn’t just not want to eat the donut, but this did mean I would be eating a donut when I went up to go see Jack. Oh well, he’d just have to deal with the fact that I was a normal person who, in fact, also adored these delicious sugarcoated pastries. People sometimes forget that celebrities are also just people trying to live their lives. But hey, surprise, it is true!  
  
So, I walked up to the glass door with my box of donuts, still happily munching on the one I had chosen, with David staying close behind me. I pressed the buzzer to ask Jack to let me in, and in no time I was making my way upstairs in the marble elevator. This building wasn’t anything like most apartment complexes, it wasn’t cheap and a place for daily living spaces. Living here probably still cost quite a lot of money. Not that I was expecting anything else from Jack… I mean, he did have a pretty successful band, he could definitely afford to live in a large house if he wanted to. He just didn’t need all that space. Thinking about it, neither did I… but I still lived in a gated mansion at a gated community all by myself. It might have been a much better idea to move into an apartment when I was required to move out of the house I shared with Travis. Well, too late for that now.  
  
I rang the doorbell once I was on the right floor and in front of the right door, causing Jack to open it from the other side. He smiled and greeted me before being confused about David standing there with me. David might have been much older than me, but he definitely didn’t look it. Whatever was going through Jack’s mind was probably a judgement before he actually knew what was going on. He still told us both to come in, though.  
  
“I’ll go get the shoes, you can wait here,” Jack smiled at me, leaving me and David both in the living room while he went to his bedroom. And, boy, was this awkward. No, not because I was here with David, not because I left my shoes with Jack, but because Jack’s roommates were all here, staring right at me.  
  
I was slowly eating my donut to try and get out of the awkward situation, but of course that didn’t help. My logic was pretty screwed up, you could say. So, I just did something even weirder, and held the box in front of me, asking them if they also wanted a donut. It didn’t seem such a bad idea in my head, but it was embarrassing as they just continued to stare at me, not saying a thing.  
  
Maybe I was eating the donut in a disgusting way… did I get the glazing all over my face or something? I was used to these looks in public, and I could easily ignore them then, but this was completely different. This was in a private situation with friends of a friend. I wasn’t sure how to react! Nobody ever trained me for this! I had always been told what to do in which social situation, but I wasn’t prepared for whatever this was.  
  
“Wait… _you_ are the girl that kept us up last night?” A guy with glasses and red-brown hair asked me with raised eyebrows and eyes that didn’t believe what he was seeing.  
  
I blushed, my face turning a nice crimson color. When you’re in the moment you really don’t care who’s able to hear you, it’s literally just about how good everything feels, but then when you find out who heard later on, it’s the worst thing that could happen in your life. Neither Jack nor I gave a shit about how loud we were being, even though Jack had warned me at the very beginning. It was just nearly physically impossible for me to keeps the moans down, but I probably could have at least tried a bit harder. But I just hadn’t had any sex for years, I couldn’t just hold it all in with how good Jack was. I couldn’t deny it. Jack was a master in bed, and I loved it. It just happened that other people also knew now.  
  
“Leave her alone,” Jack came back in holding the shoes in one hand. He glared at his roommates, who looked away shortly after, before giving me one of the friendliest smiles he could muster.  
  
I was still very flustered about the question before and wasn’t very sure what I had to do, so I just looked at Jack blurting out, “do you want a donut?”  
  
Jack chuckled at my socially awkward behaviour and accepted what I offered. I just mentally cursed myself for not coming up with an awesome come back to what Jack’s roommate said. Worldwide, I was know as one of those people who could just come up with the best things to say back, but I had just completely frozen up and even made myself look even worse by not being able to talk properly afterwards.  
  
I just decided to introduce Jack to David and the other way around before assumptions were made, “Jack, this is David, Dave, Davey, Davey-Wavey, whatever other nickname you can think of. He’s my bodyguard and drives me around everywhere, but he also acts like he’s my much older big brother who needs to protect me from all the evil out there. David, this is Jack, the person who’s been hoarding my shoes.”  
  
They shook hands and I could immediately tell that Jack already felt more at ease. He probably thought that David was another guy I was seeing, but I would never ever do anything like that. Jack was the first person I was dating in ages, he had nothing to worry about.  
  
Not wanting to stay much longer with Jack’s roommates giving me glances, I suggested having to leave now, that I still had a couple things to do. It wasn’t a completely lie, because I had promised Judy to give her all the details about my date with Jack… excluding all the details about the sex, of course, but I was going to mention it. I told Judy everything, so why would I keep this from her?  
  
David decided to go call the elevator while Jack and I stood at the doorway for a bit longer. I wasn’t sure what David thought of Jack so far, but I honestly didn’t care. I really liked Jack, so it was my choice if I wanted to see him or not, David had no say in that… unless he actually knew something that made it obvious that I had to stay away from Jack.  
  
“I’d like to take you out on another date,” Jack whispered, looking me right in the eyes as we stood pretty close to each other.  
  
I smirked up at him, happy to know that this wasn’t supposed to be just a one night stand to him, “I’d like that too, but I want to organise it this time.”  
  
He was about to ask me what my plans were, but the elevator had already arrived. So, I told him I’d text him later before giving him a peck on the lips and hurrying to meet David in the lift.


	7. Even Boring Places Can Have Meaning

It was second date time. Jack and I continued to text back and forth in the couple of days we didn’t see each other. This time I was the one who got to organize the date. I thought for quite a while before settling on something I thought would be quite nice to do. No, it wasn’t some stupid thing everybody did. Plus, I still needed to be a bit undercover while doing this. I didn’t need people already bothering me about a relationship that was just starting. So, I decided to use my moviestar ‘privileges’ for this specific occasion.  
  
I had dressed completely differently this time. It wasn’t as fancy as our last date, even though this could be considered a place that well-dressed people often went to. But that wasn’t the reason why the date was going to be there. Nope, nothing fancy about it, I actually meant for the complete opposite to happen. So, I just put on my plain white T-shirt, a flannel, light blue jeans, some black high heeled lace-up boots, and added some accessories just because. I just hoped Jack hadn’t overdressed. There was a likely chance that he had looked up the address I had sent him, and that he was now very confused.  
  
I mean, who would take their date to an Art Gallery, am I right? Haha… ha… ha… umm… yes, that was where it was. But, I promise you it wasn’t because I wanted to look at the art! That would just have been the worst second date. Sure, it might have been fun for further along the line, and only because it would be fun to make up bullshit deep meaning for each paintings, but not this early on. No, this was for a whole different reason.  
  
You see, I had once been forced to go here for a press conference way back when I had just started out. I was already together with Travis back then, but I had decided to go out and explore all by myself. As I slouched through the many halls full of contemporary art, I found an unlocked door that never said I shouldn’t have gone through it. Or it might have, but I just ignored the whole ‘Staff Only’ bullshit. At least it was completely worth it. Nobody saw me go through, and I was able to climb the flights of stairs in peace. When I got to the top, there was another door to the roof, and I immediately claimed the spot as my favorite one. Since the place was just outside of town, you were able to look out and see quite a beautiful skyline. I could only imagine how beautiful it would have been if it was dark out and the buildings would light up and the stars would come out and shine. So, I spent most of the day there all by myself while nobody knew where I was.  
  
Turns out it was all captured on surveillance cameras… My secret outing hadn’t been as secret as I had hoped. After getting in quite some trouble with my management at the time, not only for breaking in somewhere I shouldn’t have been, but also for not showing up at the mandatory meetings, I had managed to persuade the owner of the art gallery to let me go up there whenever I wanted. I didn’t know how I did it, but it ended with me getting the key to the door. I guess I was just good at emotional speeches about buildings? Don’t ask me how that works, because I seriously don’t know. There was just a big chance that the owner felt so honored to have such a big ‘celebrity’ wanting to come back to their venue on a regular basis. I try to tell myself it was the first option, though; I didn’t like thinking of myself as a superior to other people.  
  
Anyways, the date, that’s what you guys want to hear about, right? You don’t really care about the other stuff. But, hey, I don’t blame you, it was the highlight of my day, as pathetic as that sounds. So, I was already at the Art Gallery with David, waiting for Jack to arrive at the back entrance. I couldn’t have him going through the front, because that would only be suspicious. It didn’t seem like Jack minded keeping our relationship on the down low, though. I mean, who the hell would want to be followed around by paparazzi the entire time? Well, definitely not me, but I didn’t really have a choice, did I? Jack still did, so that was going to be respected. Also, I didn’t exactly need to be seen dating anybody just yet. First, we had to see how this whole relationship was going to go. I didn’t need to be called a slut just because a relationship didn’t work out.  
  
As the time started approaching when Jack should have arrived, David opened the door and stood at the doorway to see if any cars were approaching. I was sitting on the floor, against a plain, empty white wall. Slowly, the time continued to pass, the thoughts in my head going crazy. I couldn’t stop thinking that this date was a mistake. Not because I didn’t want to see Jack, but because of what we were going to do. Maybe it was too early to do something like this. And maybe I had forgotten something, making the whole date fail. I was being stressed out, not having had to plan a date in years, convincing myself I had fucked up.  
  
“Are you sure he’s coming and not going to stand you up?” David asked me as he checked his watch again. He was all about coming on time early, as obvious by the way he freaked out when I slept at Jack’s. Even if it was only two minutes past the set time, he would be flipping out. I told him he was allowed to leave as soon as Jack came here, but I knew for sure that he wasn’t becoming unsure because of that. He just didn’t want to see me heartbroken.  
  
“David,” I groaned, wanting to run my hands over my face out of frustration, but knowing it would completely ruin my makeup, “it’s only two past seven, Jack said he’d be here at seven. He’ll be here soon. Not everybody is like you and arrives half an hour before for no fucking reason whatsoever.”  
  
Yeah, that was also why I was waiting oh-so patiently for Jack to come. I wanted to be here an hour before he would so I could set everything up, but David was the reason why I had an extra 45 minutes left. So yeah, I had just been sitting on one of those weird black benches, staring at a painting that consisted of a blue background, a green outline of a triangle, and some weird squiggly red and yellow lines. It really makes you feel like you’re losing your mind if it’s all you see.  
  
“I’m just sayin’,” David shrugged, taking a step outside to look around the small parking lot again, “he might be bad news. I mean, he’s a band dude, you never know how they are. For all you know, he could have girls lined up and is only using you to sleep with one more time.”  
  
I rolled my eyes and stretched my legs out, crossing them over one another. “Yeah, and I’m a world famous actress. Who knows what I’m like? I could possibly just be abusing my fame to get together with random band dudes.”  
  
“Are you, though?” He said trying to prove his point, pointing a finger at me. It was like that was going to have to solve it completely. Just because he knew me and didn’t know Jack, did not mean that Jack had the wrong intentions. He wouldn’t have asked me out if that was what he was going to do. If it was, then he would have just texted me and invited me over.  
  
“Just trust me, ok?” I begged. It was times like this when I would rather have Judy with me, even though she would be jumping all over the place because I was going on a date again. She’d be going through all the things I should and shouldn’t do, and she’d keep grinning like a fool. David was just like that annoying older brother who would scare guys away with just one look. He really was the brother I never had.  
  
You know what? While I’m at it, I’ll tell you a bit about my family. It’s not like Jack was going to show up soon anyways. Ok, so my mom’s name is Alexa and my dad’s is Chase. They were high school sweethearts, but very ignorant. My mom was only 16 when she became pregnant with me. You know, it was the usual not-using-protection-at-a-young-age type of pregnancy. They obviously decided to keep me, and I was born just after my mom turned 17, my dad was 19 at the time and starting his second year of college. With me being in the picture, all their plans had to change. My dad had to get a job and stop going to school and my mom managed to finish school through homeschooling after having to redo a year. They stayed together the entire time, eventually getting married. We didn’t have a lot of money, but they always wanted the best for me. Then, when I was nine, my sister was born. We used to get along really well, until I moved away to start filming my first movie. It wasn’t because we fizzled out eventually, it was because she’d started to ignore me. Whenever I came home, we were good again. But when she turned 13 that all changed. She completely turned against me, being my number one hater. I was never able to figure out what I had done. I thought it might have been because I ‘left’ her, but apparently that wasn’t it. She wanted my lifestyle and take advantage of it, while I just wanted to go back to being an awkward high school kid. I do send my parents money every once in awhile to help out with my sister and to help them pay the bills during rough patches. They always feel guilty, but I was happy to do it. They were there for me in the beginning, trying to let me make my dreams come true, now it was my turn to return the favor.  
  
“He’s here,” David sighed out in what sounded a lot like annoyance. He definitely did not like Jack, and I did not understand why. Jack was a good guy, no reason to hate me. But I guess David was not just a bodyguard for my physical safety, but also for my mental wellness. I still kissed Jack, though. It wasn’t like one person was going to change that.  
  
I quickly stood up, brushing off any dust that possibly could be covering my ass. Before Jack was close enough to hear us, however, I looked at David with a hinting smirk. “Are you going to give us privacy, or…?”  
  
“Yeah, alright. I’ll be in the car.” He breathed out heavily showing he still thought that what I was doing was a big mistake. Nonetheless, he still walked over to the large black car with tinted windows. I knew for sure, that no matter what happened, he was not going to let Jack take me home, nor would I be allowed to go to Jack’s. It was this date and then say goodbye, just like how dating was back in freshman year of school when your parents still had to drive you around.  
  
I immediately brought Jack into a kiss when he finally stood in front of me. David could probably see it happening if he decided to keep an eye on me through the windshield, but I seriously couldn’t give a fuck. If this whole thing with Jack turned out to be a mistake, it was going to be my fault. I didn’t want people directing my every life choice anymore.  
  
“Oh, hey,” Jack smirked as we both pulled away again. I pulled him inside further and closed the door so nobody would be able to go inside without a key. I was not going to be responsible for any of the paintings being stolen.  
  
“Hey,” I smiled back, wanting to kiss him again, but deciding better of it. Instead, I took hold of his hand and started guiding him through the hallway, “come with me.”  
  
He happily obliged, but still showed his confusion. “Umm, not to be rude or anything, but why are we at an art gallery… especially when it’s closed?”  
  
“We’re not here for the art, don’t worry, I’m not that boring. I already ventured off completely the first time I went here for business.” I brought him to the sketchy stairway I had discovered those many years ago. The gallery had never bothered to make it look any better since the public would never see it, so everything still looked like concrete blocks. “We can always go and make fun of the art, though. It’s what I like to do on especially shitty days. Making up stories for each painting, making it all sound plausible, is actually really fun to do. Cheers you up in no time.”  
  
“I’m just trusting you here,” Jack laughed just before I opened the door that led us out to the rooftop, “for all I know, you could be taking me out somewhere secluded to murder me.”  
  
“Won’t that be great for the papers? They’ll have something to bitch about other than the divorce. I don’t get why they blow it up so big, because it’s been a long time coming. Anyway, that’s not something to talk about during a date, especially not up on my rooftop.” I let go of his hand and walked up to the pillows and blankets laid down on the floor to make it as comfortable as possible.  
  
Jack joined me, sitting down right next to me so he could put one arm behind me. He took away one of the cushions he was sitting on and put it in his lap instead. “Your rooftop?”  
  
“Well, technically not my rooftop, but I have a key to it and often go up here. I like being up here more than any other place in the world. Sometimes I manage to fall asleep here, and I’m lucky it rarely rains here. But it’s just a nice calm place to be. You can see the busy city, knowing you’re away from it for a while, the stars high up in the sky, but you’re still not completely alone. It’s just a nice place I found and claimed as my own.”  
  
“You and Travis must have had some fun nights up here,” he chuckled, thinking of all the possible activities I could have done up here with my ex-husband. At least it wasn’t me bringing it up, but I also knew Jack and I were going to have to talk about it explicitly at some point. But right now? Maybe not.  
  
I shook my head, not being able to imagine the same thing he was. “No, he’s never been up here. He knew about it, but I never allowed him to come. However, even then all he knew was that it was just a rooftop of a gallery. He never got to know the meaning behind it. You see,” I crawled forward, dangerously close to the edge, but having done this way too often to mess up. I pointed down at the ground which the parking lot was now occupying, “down there, I’m Stevie Elise Barrett, movie star, somebody who has to be careful with every single thing she does, no matter how small because it can be blown up. Up here… I’m just me. Nobody can get to me up here. Down there, is a movie star’s life; up here, it’s mine.”  
  
“And I get to be part of this one?” He double checked, starstruck with what I had just said.  
  
I nodded and removed the pillow from his lap, straddling him myself. “Yes, because I really do like you and I don’t care about all that shit that happens around me. I want you to be part of what I know is real, not something that has been forced upon me.”  
  
“I’m happy I get to see you; the _real_ you.”


	8. Public Dates Mean Public Relationships

Third date. Me and Jack. At a zoo. It was happening. This was our first public date. It was pretty early to be honest. Everybody would be able to see us walk around together and the paparazzi would probably be following us, thinking their hiding spots behind bushes were the most secretive places ever (I always saw them. It’s pretty difficult to miss a large camera poking out). I wasn’t so sure about our relationship becoming public yet. I knew I was going to get so much shit about it, and while I liked Jack a lot, I didn’t know if that was suddenly going to change. On the third date, there’s still a possibility of finding out you actually don’t like each other as much as you originally thought. Imagine the headlines I would get then: _Playing Around with Stevie, first Divorcee next fooling around._ But, I was willing to take the risk. I did like Jack that much, now I just had to find out if he liked me that much as well.  
  
I went to pick Jack up so we could go to the Zoo together instead of coming in separate cars again. When I say I went to pick him up, I actually meant David and I. There was no way I was going to be able to go out without at least one bodyguard with me. I was lucky that it was only David, and not a couple of other guys I did not really know. To be honest, I did not need strangers walking around with me the entire time while I was on a date. Kinda ironic if you ask me. People were always following me around just because of who I was. But it still felt different to me, while it really wasn’t all that much.  
  
“Hey, are you going to be following us around the entire time?” I asked David as I moved forward to lean between the two front seats--Jack and I were sitting in the back together--so I could look at the person I was speaking to. I just wanted to be able to talk to Jack without somebody listening in, and since David didn’t like Jack too much already, I knew he was likely to do it.  
  
David rolled his eyes, not looking away from the road, however. “I have to, that’s what I’m here for.”  
  
“But maybe you could stay at least 5 feet away from us the entire time,” I suggested in the most innocent voice ever, adding puppy dog eyes for some extra effect, “you know, since you aren’t planning on leaving us, so we have a bit of space.”  
  
“I can try my best, but there is a chance that it will be just under five feet, because I don’t have some weird brain that can calculate distances automatically. And it might be very busy in some places, so I’ll have to come closer. I can’t have more than two people in between us, I have to be able to keep an eye on you--”  
  
As he continued to speak, I pressed down the button that made the divider slowly come up. I didn’t just use it for quick outfit changes, sometimes I was just fed up with David, especially if I was talking to someone else. More so if I was on a date. Plus, I really didn’t feel like listening to all his reasoning about having to be very close to me. I understood that he was concerned and that he was just doing his job, but I needed my space as well. Luckily, sometimes the ‘I’m your boss’ card worked. Maybe I was going to use it later.  
  
“Did you just…” Jack pointed at the black screen keeping David from hearing anything we were saying or seeing us do stuff. We could literally do anything we wanted back here and nobody would notice.  
  
“Yes, yes I did,” I nodded and found his hand on his lap, intertwining our fingers before I softly leaned into him, resting my head on his shoulder. This was probably the most contact we were going to be able to have. I was fine with going on a date in public, but I did not necessarily have to show a lot of PDA. Not just because of the media, but also because I just was that type of person. I was never the one to constantly kiss in front of people, but I didn’t mind one or two kisses. Just no coupley stuff for me when I was outside.  
  
We were able to cut the cue to enter the zoo, which helped with reducing the amount of paparazzi at the beginning. Of course, they’d eventually find out and all come, but it would first take some time for them somehow get the information and then make their way to this place. It was a small little treat. Now all I had to do was hope people would get the hint that I was doing something else and not ask me tons of questions plus wanting a selfie. I really didn’t mind short conversations, especially on days I wasn’t doing anything. But I felt like it would be rude towards Jack. He was probably also used to people coming up to him, but I didn’t want to be spending all my time and attention on other people. This was a date, and it was about me and Jack. Of course, the occasional selfie was fine. I just didn’t feel like doing one of those things where I would just stand in one place for an hour just taking pictures with people and giving autographs. It happened to me the last time I went to Disneyland.  
  
That probably sounded very aloof, but I can promise you I didn’t mean it that way. Just imagine a hot sunny day, a day that makes you sweat your ass off, and then a whole swarm of people following you, begging for something which you’re happy to give, but then they stay around for a lot longer. Yeah, that didn’t really help my case… did it? Let’s put it like this: selfies are ok, asking me a question or two is also ok, standing in the way of everybody else is not.  
  
We walked around, David keeping his distance like I asked him to (yes, I used the ‘I’m your boss’ card on him just to make sure he’d do it). I was pretty amazed by all the animals we were able to see. Of course, we were basically the only couple of only adults there, surrounded by families, but it was still very fun. I couldn’t even remember the last time I had been to a zoo. All I knew was that I had never gone with Travis, so it was nice to be making a memory like this with Jack; a memory that was completely new, nothing to relate it to.  
  
“You know, I haven’t been to a zoo in ages,” I told Jack as we watched lemurs run around in their enclosure, both of us leaning against the fence to see them properly, “the last time was probably before I moved to LA. Probably in sophomore year of high school, actually.”  
  
“No way, really? I don’t believe you.” Jack shook his head in disbelieve, taking his eyes of the animals we were observing, and instead staring at me with his mouth slightly ajar.  
  
“I’m telling the truth!” I gasped in mock hurt and lightly hit his shoulder without hurting him. “I always used to go with my sister when we were younger. Because of our age difference, it was a fun thing to do together. The last time I went was when I was 16 and she was 7. I didn’t have a car to drive us and the bus no longer went all the way to the zoo, so we couldn’t go anymore. At one point we went almost every week. You can say we definitely used those annual passes quite a lot at that time.”  
  
“Well, that definitely sucks,” Jack turned around so his back was against the fence now, paying more attention to me and my story, “but you could always take her again now. Sure, you guys live basically live on the opposite ends of the country, but the next time you guys see each other, it might be a nice thing to do again. It will be like reminiscing the good times.”  
  
I burst out laughing, thinking his idea was the funniest thing ever. He really did not know what the relationship I had with my sister now was like. It would be a nightmare to take her out with me. I just couldn’t do it. “I hope you’re joking. There’s no way that would ever happen. Seriously, she hates my guts. We can’t be around each other without constantly fighting, unless we completely ignore each other. Plus, she’s sixteen years old. No persuasion or blackmail will make someone like her come to a place like this. If anything, she’s the one who acts like a pretentious celebrity, not me.”  
  
“Sounds like fun,” he joked and started walking towards an empty bench.  
  
I followed him, quickly taking hold of his hand. “Trust me, it really isn’t.”  
  
We both sat down and continued our conversation. I told him a bit more about how badly my sister and I got along nowadays, but I didn’t think Jack understood how serious the situation actually was. Of course, he knew that we would bicker constantly, but he didn’t quite get that it went far enough to physically cause pain to someone. No, not accidentally hurt the other, but _intentionally_ hurt the other. I always tried to be civil, but my sister would make it impossible. She would keep pestering until I finally gave in, and then she’d, for example, push me down the stairs. I considered myself mature enough not to hurt her back, but I had thought about it so many times.  
  
When Jack told me about his family, I actually started to envy him a bit. He had a great relationship with both his older brother and sister, something I had always wished to have. But I knew better than to be jealous of him. In my mind, that was just weird. I found out that his parents had moved back to Lebanon, where the rest of his family, except his brother and sister, lived. It must have meant that he didn’t see them very often, but then again, I didn’t see my parents all that often either. Yes, that was because of my sister as well. I wanted to spare my parents all the fighting that would occur. They didn’t deserve that.  
  
After we finished our conversation, we started planning which enclosures we still wanted to see. The penguins were highest on my list. They had always been my favorite animal since I was very young. Seriously, when I was around nine years old, I wanted my whole room to be penguin themed. Of course, it never happened, but it shows my obsession with them. I mean, how could you not adore them? They waddled funny, the noises they made were absolutely hilarious, and who doesn’t love the movie _Happy Feet_. In my world, they were absolutely the best thing that could ever exist.  
  
I looked up from the map when we were done, only to see a heavily pregnant woman with a toddler in her hand, looking around in desperate need of a seat. She was only standing a couple feet away from us, so I stood up and offered my seat to her. At least I managed to make a stranger smile today. She really seemed so grateful. I could only imagine how she must have been feeling on such a hot day.  
  
No, but seriously, I could really only imagine it. Not many people knew this about me, but I couldn’t have kids. My mom realized something was off about my periods when I was 14 years old, and that’s when the doctors found out. I was given birth control to try and regulate it, to ‘cure’ me before I got older, but it never really worked. Even with the birth control, I would not always get my periods while they should have helped. Sometimes I could go for eleven months without having a period. It was completely normal for me to finish one round of birth control without getting any results. If you want to look at it from an optimistic point of view, there was still a one in a million chance that I could naturally get pregnant!  
  
Now do you understand why I felt so uncomfortable with people always asking Travis and I when we would be having kids after we married? It seriously affected me. I actually became depressed for a while, not feeling good enough for Travis, feeling like I was a failure. Nobody found out about it happening to me, and Travis was there for me the entire time, but it still took me a while to get over it. And I was still very young at that time. Nobody should have to become depressed because they are being pressured into something they shouldn’t even have to think about at that age. But it was impossible if you lived in the world I lived in.  
  
I just hoped it wouldn’t happen again now that I was slowly getting older. Sure, I was only 25, but I was also only starting to date again. As soon as things would start getting serious with someone, the questions would start: marriage, kids, families. I didn’t want to think about that yet! But, hey, if Jack and I dated for a while, only to find out that it wasn’t going to work out, I would be way too old to have kids with the next guy I found anyway. I had nothing to worry about. Except if Jack would leave me because I couldn’t give him kids…  
  
No. I was thinking too far ahead. I had to live in the moment, not start planning out my entire future. That was just absolutely pathetic!  
  
“And here we are, the penguins,” Jack announced as we walked the final steps. There was a pool with water and a plastic-like surrounding that was decorated with large rocks. The penguins were standing on the stone in herds, looking around the place, while there were three constantly jumping in the water and climbing back out.  
  
“Fuck yeah!” I whisper-shouted, not wanting to get glares from all the parents here with their young kids. I did not want people making stuff up about me just because I said one swear word. You see, you really have to watch out a lot more when you’re being watched and expected to be a role model the entire time.  
  
I rushed towards the glass barrier, already loving the weird things my favorite animals were doing. Jack walked up behind me not much long after. He stood right behind me and placed a hand on the railing on either side of me, leaning forward to look over my shoulder easily. I was too excited to warn him about all the paparazzi going crazy with their fancy cameras, so I just let him stand there.  
  
“Hey, umm, Stevie, I need to tell you something before I forget,” he mumbled in my ear after letting me watch the penguins for a while. Something in his voice was telling me he felt guilty and regretful, maybe a little bit sad.  
  
“Sure, what’s wrong?” I asked, trying to sound happy as if I hadn’t heard his tone of voice, turning around so I could look right at him while he told me what was going on in his mind.  
  
“I’m going on tour again in a week,” he replied, feeling guilty about not telling me before, “August 9th to be exact. It will be pretty long, until the 24th of November, so I probably won’t be back until the 25th or 26th.”  
  
“Oh.” Was all I managed to say while I processed the information he had just presented me. It really was quite long, especially since we just started dating. “Well, it’s too early on in our relationship for me to come visit you on tour for a longer period of time…” Jack nodded in agreement, so I came up with another idea, “but we can always text like we did before, and FaceTime. Also, I’ll be happy to come to your show in LA or somewhere close to LA. And then we can resume things when you come back.”  
  
“Are you sure?” He scratched the back of his head.  
  
“Yes, I will be waiting for you if you wait for me,” I promised him and waited for him to nod before I pressed my lips to his.


	9. I'm Allowed To Freak Out A Little

I walked through the corridors, finding my way from my dressing room to the stage. Some guy who worked here was guiding me, keeping one hand on the small of my back. I always hated it when people did that; if you wanted me to follow you, you could just tell me, there was no urge to actually make physical contact with me. Family and partners could do it, but strangers just made me want to cringe away. However, that was another thing I had gotten used to. In the presence of celebrity, people just did that type of stuff, especially if they were ‘in charge’. Seriously, some dude with a microphone headset did not have to guide me like I didn’t know where I was going.  
  
To be honest, I already knew my way around this place. I had been on _The Ellen Show_ way more often than I could count. This was one of the only talk shows where I could talk about stuff without getting attacked. It wasn’t formal at all, quite the opposite. Being on this show was always fun. All those celebrities who acted like Ellen’s ‘best friend’ really weren’t only doing it to be nice. Sure, best friend was a bit exaggerated, but everybody loved her. Or at least most people I knew loved her, me included.  
  
This time I was going to be on the show to clear up all the rumours going on. Much like what Justin Bieber did after he had been arrested a couple of times and did so many bad things. Only this was actually a lot different… I hadn’t been arrested for doing something illegal, and it wasn’t like I was going to do that again after apologizing. This was for a completely different reason. The rumours were going absolutely crazy. I couldn’t even follow it anymore.  
  
The news about Jack and I going out had spread like wildfire. _Seriously._ Even though Jack and I had only shared one kiss at the zoo, there were millions of pictures, all from different angles. It was definitely the topic all the gossip channels and magazines were talking about. Everywhere I went, I would see the photos. It kind of scared me, but I also knew that it was all on us. If we had been able to control ourselves, maybe none of this would have happened.  
  
Because the rumour about Jack and I dating wasn’t the only thing going on. Apparently, I was also dating Nat Wolff, my co-star. There had been a couple more rehearsals the last couple of weeks. Nat and I just happened to decide to go and get coffee for everybody one day. So, the paparazzi managed to capture some pictures of us walking into Starbucks together. Was that really such a crime? I didn’t seem to think so. But people believed what they wanted to believe, jumping to conclusions in no time.  
  
Now, all that mixed together with my divorce not being finalized yet just caused a great mayhem. Everybody was freaking the fuck out. Apparently, all of it was proof that I was the reason why Travis and I were getting a divorce. It made it all clear that I had cheated on him with multiple guys, and that he was hurt so much. Nobody seemed to care that he had been spotted with several girls as well. The movie industry was really sexist in that way. The media was trying to make me seem like I was the evil that killed our relationship, causing him great heartbreak. Nobody even realized that the reason we weren’t talking to each other anymore was because we _literally_ legally weren’t allowed to do so. Not one person tried to correct everybody else.  
  
Oh, and yes, Jack had been on tour for a couple of weeks now. He didn’t exactly know all the drama going on right now. I didn’t know how he managed to escape it all, but I was definitely being bombarded. We had texted every day, occasionally FaceTiming as well, but he never mentioned anything about the whole world knowing about our relationship… well, actually the fact that we were dating, Jack and I actually weren’t in a relationship. At least I didn’t think so… Nobody seemed to mind the fact that _he_ was seeing me, though, they only cared that _I_ was seeing him. Kinda weird if you ask me.  
  
As I was waiting to get onto the stage, I straightened out my black pencil skirt one more time, checking that my gray t-shirt that had a twist in front of it wasn’t riding up too much and showing too much skin. It was a simple, yet classy outfit. I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t doing something that would cause me to be much more of a disgrace. At least it was already a whole lot better than the dresses they often made me wear that I absolutely hated. These were clothes I actually owned myself! The only thing the stylists really had fun with was my hair, giving me a half up, half down hairdo with a very large voluminous braid.  
  
And then I got to sign to walk onto the stage, just after Ellen had introduced me. The audience started clapping as I made my appearance and went up to Ellen and gave her a hug. She welcomed me and told me to take a seat, and I happily did, continuing to keep a bright smile on my face. A weird habit I had, I guess.  
  
“So, a lot has been going on, hasn’t it?” Ellen chuckled, trying to make it lighter so it would be easier for me to talk about.  
  
I laughed as well, hoping people would see that the situation wasn’t as serious as they thought, “yeah, you can say so. It’s more than most people can handle. Every day I find out one more thing about myself that I didn’t know! Apparently, I have a child with some guy in New York, but I don’t recall ever being pregnant, nor ever giving birth. I’m pretty sure I would remember that.”  
  
“I’ve been trying to follow all the rumours, but I really don’t know what’s going on anymore. Can you explain some of them, make it easier for us all?” Ellen suggested, leading us into the topic we wanted to talk about, waving her cue cards around as she talked.  
  
“Anything for you, Ellen,” I grinned and took a deep breath, “so let’s start at the beginning. The rumour about me and Travis getting a divorce. Well, that is true.” the whole audience gasped on cue, making it dramatic, but I just shook my head. “However, everything else being said around it really isn’t. I don’t know for how long exactly, but Travis and I just weren’t in love anymore. We tried to make it work, but it turned more into a best friend type of thing. So, we are still friends, neither of us cheated, and it’s all mutual.”  
  
“But we’ve heard you guys don’t talk anymore or even dare to see each other anymore. Why do that when you’re still good friends like you guys claim?”  
  
“Because we’re getting a divorce and have to prove that we can live apart without any troubles. We only have two more weeks and we are allowed to hang out as much as we want to. Trust me, I would have rather had him with me to explain everything so there aren’t any misunderstandings. We’d actually planned to not tell anybody about it until it was completely finalized, but it somehow came out without us having any say in it. If it were up to us, we’d have announced it in two weeks, when we could actually go out and explain things without people saying stuff without knowing their information.”  
  
“Apparently I once broke up with Portia, but I didn’t even find out about it until I found it on the cover of a magazine. I guess this is a bit like that.” Ellen prompted, making me nod along with her, “But there are more rumours about you dating a couple of guys. Let’s start with this one.”  
  
The picture of Nat and I walking into Starbucks was now shown on the large screen behind us for all the viewers to see. I ran a hand over my face, making sure not to smudge the makeup I was wearing. This was going to be difficult because I couldn’t exactly say anything about the movie we were starting to make. I was just going to have to tell them what I could. “No, Nat Wolff and I aren’t dating, I can guarantee that. He’s a nice guy and all, but I can’t see us ever being more than friends. We only met a couple of weeks ago for work. I mean, we’re both actors and we’ve both done some auditions. So there may or may not be a recording of us playing in something together. I can’t really tell you any details.”  
  
“So, you’re saying you’re both playing in the same movie.”  
  
“Ok, yes. But that’s _all_ I can say. I can’t give away anything else or they might sue me!”  
  
“Long story short, you and Nat are not dating and are only around each other because of a movie. Ok, cool, but what about this guy. His name is Jack Baka-- Barak-- Barakat? Wow, that’s a confusing name…” She had to strain her eyes as she read the name off of one of the cards, trying her best to pronounce it right.  
  
The picture switched to me and Jack sharing a kiss at the zoo and I immediately blushed. I really hoped this wasn’t going to ruin whatever we had. “Yeah, Jack Barakat. I met him at the APMAs, which are basically like the MTV music awards, but then for rock music and all the other genres. I went to the red carpet event and was asked to do some interviews. I met his band, All Time Low--”  
  
“Ooh, a band guy. I get it now. Who can resist them?”  
  
I giggled and couldn’t help another blush that crept onto my cheeks. “Yeah, well, we immediately hit it off. We talked for a bit and, yeah, you can probably guess what happened from that photo. It’s too early to label it, though.”  
  
“So he’s not your new boyfriend?” Ellen questioned.  
  
“We aren’t in an exclusive relationship, but I can tell you that I’m not seeing anybody other than him. We’ll just have to see how it goes. One thing, though, I did not cheat of Travis with him. That would have made no sense. The divorce became public before I even met Jack.”  
  
“Well, I hope the next time we see you is when you’ve got that new movie coming up, unless you want to come before that. Maybe we’ll get another inside scoop,” she winked at me, ending our short interview there.  
  
“You know I will never say no to you.”  
  
After that, I had left the stage, being guided back to my dressing room by one of the assistant producers of the show. I was happy to see that Judy was waiting for me and that I wasn’t alone. She gave me a big smile and went up to hug me immediately. Not knowing how it had all went, I really appreciated her hug. This was either going to make things a little better, stopping people from bugging me, or make people think of even more rumours to start! And then there was Jack--  
  
Oh god, Jack. I froze up completely when I thought of what I had just done.  
  
“Hey, what’s wrong?” Judy had a strong grip on both my shoulders and looked me in the eyes, “you looked so happy on TV, how did you suddenly go from that to this? I know you’re good at faking it, but you’re not this good.”  
  
“I was happy,” I nodded, but continued to stare ahead as I was terrified of what was to come, “but then I realized I never even asked if Jack was ok with me confirming the rumours. What if I just ruined everything? Maybe he didn’t want everybody to know, and now I’ll never see him again.”  
  
“Well, you can’t really do anything about that. He should know what he was getting into, dating a celebrity like you. There are some consequences,” she walked up to the mini fridge and threw a bottle of water at me. I was quick enough to grab it, but was still too concerned to act normal. “Otherwise you should just call him, give him a heads up before he finds out through the media.”  
  
I nodded and shakily reached for my phone in my bag, which had been on the table provided, “yeah… maybe I should do that… you know, just for sure…”  
  
And so I went into autopilot, finding Jack’s contact and ringing his number. I slowly brought the phone to my ear, waiting for the empty dial tones to end. It didn’t take long for Jack to answer in his usual over joyous voice, acting like the man-child he could be.  
  
“Hello, beautiful,” he chirped down the line, his smile evident in his tone of voice; the tone that would usually automatically make me break into my own grin, added with a small blush from the subtle compliment he’d give me.  
  
“Umm, Jack, I need to tell you something.” I couldn’t reciprocate his happiness this time. Judy pointed at the door before slowly slipping out, closing the door behind her softly.  
  
“Oh…” His mood immediately managed to change completely. “Is something wrong?”  
  
“I did something and was stupid enough not the check with you first.”  
  
“W-what did you do?”  
  
I prepared for the worst to happen. A great way for things to happen, right? Making the whole thing public only for Jack to end things because of what I’d done. That would be difficult to explain, wouldn’t it?  
  
“Well, I was just on The Ellen Show and, umm, I was there to clear up some things. So, questions were being asked, and I sorta kinda said that we were seeing each other. But I completely forgot to check with you if that was ok! I would have totally understood if you hadn’t wanted that yet, because it’s just going to give annoying attention you might not want, and maybe you would have wanted to tell other people before it actually came out, if it would ever have come out…” I stopped myself before I continued to ramble. I was known as a cool and collected person, I couldn’t just start freaking out now. It was just unnecessary anxiety.  
  
“Hey, calm down, it’s completely fine. I knew what I was getting myself into, and if I didn’t want anybody finding out, I wouldn’t have kissed you in public. Seriously, I like you too much to make this a very short fling. Nobody will get between us, don’t worry.” Jack emphasized that it was all ok, that I had to stop scaring myself about something as small as this. He was right, if we wanted to make this work, then we shouldn’t worry about how the media would try to break us apart. “You know, I was actually afraid you were going to tell me that you didn’t wait for me.”  
  
“No, I wouldn’t do that. I made a promise to you.”  
  
“And I made that promise to you too. Just a couple more weeks and we’ll be able to see each other again.”  
  
 _“Just a couple more weeks.”_


	10. Reunited After Such a Long Time

I was waiting in my living room, staring at my phone and anxious to hear a notification popping up. Multiple times it had already buzzed, only for me to jump up in excitement and check what it said. But the message I was waiting for hadn’t come yet. It was always one of my ‘friends’ tagging me in something they posted online or they commented on something I had posted. I was waiting for Jack to send me a text message, and I knew it had to come any moment soon. It was already November and he was _finally_ coming back home.  
  
It was the first time in months that I would actually seem him face to face again. They did have a little over a week off tour at the beginning of October, but I couldn’t see him at the time. I was way too busy with the movie I was going to be in, which was also why I didn’t even manage to come see him during their LA show, or any California show for that matter. The readthroughs were done and the filming had started. We hadn’t gotten far yet at all and my main parts hadn’t even started yet. I only had a couple of scenes, but that didn’t mean that I wasn’t needed there almost every single day.  
  
Once again, I sighed deeply as I checked the time on the large black-and-white clock I had on the wall in my livingroom. Jack’s flight should have landed about ten minutes prior to that. I knew I was getting nervous for no reason. There was the possibility of him being delayed, his phone taking a little while to find service, or maybe he first wanted to fetch his luggage before texting me. I wasn’t his main priority, which I also understood. I knew how difficult it was to keep up a personal life when having such hectic work. Never would I ever get mad about that.  
  
Yet I was still anxious, and nobody could blame me for that. I couldn’t wait to see him. He was going to come visit me directly. As soon as I got his text, I was going to tell my security to let him in.  
  
Of course, I would have personally gone to pick him up if it weren’t for my situation. After having been on a plane for a while, the last thing you wanted was to be surrounded by a shitload of flashing cameras and perverted people calling out your name. I, unfortunately, had no way to get out of it. Paparazzi always found out even if I tried to do it all discretely. So, the least I could do was spare Jack the problem, but something told me he was going to have a larger audience than he was used to. My public announcement had already spiked his social media following quite a bit.  
  
“Honestly, I’ve never seen you this excited and nervous since you were given that role to make a guest appearance in a My Little Pony TV show.” Judy laughed as she joined me in the living room. I looked up at her, biting my lip and letting my legs bounce up and down in a fast constant pace.  
  
I tried to focus on my TV that was turned off, placed just above my fireplace. Although nothing was on, I hoped it would distract me for a little while. “Of course I’m excited, because it’s the first time I’m seeing him in over two months. And of course I’m nervous, because it’s the first time I’m seeing him in over two months!”  
  
“I understand, but this is starting to reach near mental-patient crazy.” She told me honestly while sitting beside me and putting her hands on my knees to stop me from shaking. I, however, took that as a queue to start fidgeting with my hands.  
  
“But what if he changed his mind, it has been _over two months_ after all, maybe having such a long break in the beginning wasn’t a good idea at all.” I thought out loud, making sure to repeat the time period. For some reason, saying it over and over again only made it more real to me. It had been _over two months!_  
  
“Oh my god, I know you really like him. But really? Do you really think he’d wait all this time to tell you. If he wasn’t into it, he would have told you ages ago. He was traveling around the country, if he didn’t want this he would have ended it and fooled around with random girls.”  
  
“But maybe he still did.” I pointed out with an innocent face, knowing that Judy would talk me out of it no matter what my negative thoughts were. She’d always tell me to go for it, while David would only have agreed with me and told me to stay away from him.  
  
This was why Judy was my best friend and manager, and not David. She knew what was right for me and would always push me into the right direction. Even if the decision turned out not to be the best one, it always taught me a valuable lesson. Jack was her next project for me to follow.  
  
My phone buzzed before she could try to convince me again. I nearly jumped up in excitement and actually let out a squeal. Even though I knew there was a chance it wasn’t going to be him again, my heart skipped a beat. I was so excited as I reached out for the device and turned on the lock screen. And there it was, a message from Jack.  
  
 **Jack-o:** Guess who’s back in LA, baby!  
 **Me:** Woooooooo!!!!!!!!!!  
 **Jack-o:** Not me…  
 **Me:** What! No, why? :(  
 **Jack-o:** I’m just kidding, I’m here  
 **Jack-o:** As in I’m outside your house right now  
  
My eyes widened dramatically at the information he threw at me. Although he could have been joking again, I threw my phone at Judy and started rushing to the front doors where Jack had picked me up for our first date. I saw a dark figure on the other side of the opaque glass and nearly squealed out again. But I couldn’t let Jack think I was overexcited to see him again. That could possibly scare him away.  
  
So, I took a deep breath, using a trick I usually used when I couldn’t stop laughing on set. Acting like I was completely composed, I reached out for the handle and opened the door. Just as he had said, Jack was standing there staring right back at me. And then I couldn’t hide how happy I was anymore. I rushed the last couple of steps and hugged him tightly, even pulling up my legs to wrap them around his waist.  
  
He hugged me back and held me up, pressing his nose into my hair. All my doubts washed away in no time as I was back in his arms. I completely forgot about my worries from just minutes before. This was all the reassurance needed.  
  
“Are you really here?” I giggled as I looked at him and briefly kissed him. “Weren’t you just supposed to arrive now? What the hell are you doing here?”  
  
“Yes and yes.” He nodded and waited for me to kiss him again before going to continue his answer. “But I managed to get an earlier flight and decided to surprise you.”  
  
“Well, I definitely like this surprise.” I smirked seductively and planted my lips on his again, only this time making it less short and sweet, and more passionate and forceful.  
  
Jack didn’t seem to mind at all and actually deepened the kiss, contemplating whether or not to add tongue. His hands that were on my ass started to squeeze a little, making his intentions very clear. And I would have been lying if I didn’t have to same exact intentions. But could you really blame us? It had been _over two months!_ We deserved this.  
  
“Oh, shit!” Judy shrieked as she was planning on leaving my house again, only wanting to actually leave after I had gotten a text from Jack so she could help calm my nerves. “Is this going to be a regular occurrence? Am I going to have to start going out of the backdoor instead?”  
  
“I’m afraid so, Judy.” I chuckled while still suspended in the air. It might have been a good thing that she interrupted, because I could tell Jack’s arms were starting to get tired. I didn’t want to risk him getting hurt and me falling onto the floor.  
  
“Well, I’m going to let you get to it. I’ll see you in a week.” She bid her farewells to both me and Jack before disappearing to her car parked close to the gate.  
  
“She thinks we’re going to have sex for a week?” Jack raised his eyebrows in shock while I unwrapped my legs and forced him to put me back on the floor. “Not that I would mind, but I believe she’s overestimating us.”  
  
I shook my head and pulled him inside, dragging his suitcase in the hand that wasn’t holding his hand. Soon after, I slammed the front door shut, not wanting to take much more time. “She’s going to visit family for a week. But that does mean that I most probably will be home all alone the entire time. It can get quite lonely…”  
  
I pulled him close to me by grabbing a fistful of his t-shirt and let his suitcase go. While his body was pressed up against mine completely, he kept his face a couple of inches away from mine and let his hot breath tickle my skin.  
  
“I guess I’m going to have to come check up on you a couple of times, then,” he whispered back and made the last move, pushing me up against the wall and connecting our lips in a fiery kiss that wasn’t going to end soon.  
  
\----  
  
I stretched out as I threw the covers off myself and into Jack’s direction. His arm had been acting as a pillow for me and the separation of our skin was quite a painful peeling. We were both hot and sticky, the sweat on our bodies having started to dry up. I looked around as I tried to brush the knots in my hair out with my fingers, trying to locate where my panties had been discarded to. When I saw them somewhere in a corner almost on the opposite end of the room, I scurried over and quickly put them on. How they had landed there, I didn’t know either.  
  
“No,” Jack whined as he made grabby hands for me, his own hair laying flat except for some strands that stood up weirdly, “come back.”  
  
“One week of sex does not mean one week of continuous sex.” I rolled my eyes in a playful manner, reaching down to grab the shirt he had been wearing despite the fact that he had it on in the plane as well.  
  
“You’re torturing me if you bend over like that!” He groaned and pointed at my ass that was barely cover by the thin fabric.  
  
“I just wanna get some food, physical activity makes me hungry.” I smirked as I raised the shirt over my head and started to pull it down my torso so I was covered up a little more. However, just before I had pulled it all the way down, I got a sharp pain through my stomach, making me hiss out.  
  
“Everything ok?” Jack asked, his demeanor changing completely as he pushed himself up onto his elbows to look at me a little better.  
  
I nodded despite the pain still being there. As if it were to help, I pushed my hand right where it hurt and grit my teeth. This wasn’t the first time I had gotten the pain. It had been happening for a while now.  
  
“You don’t look fine.” Jack urged and sat up completely, the duvet once again just barely covering him.  
  
“No, really, I _am_ fine.” I promised as I walked up to him, the pain actually not having subsided yet, smiling to make it believable. “It’s been happening the past three days. Maybe it’s just my body telling me I’m getting my period soon. Nothing to worry about.”  
  
That was actually a lie. I knew it wasn’t my period. It was practically impossible. I was still completely faithful to my birth control, not having stopped the round I was on, and even if it had been that it still didn’t make sense. My period rarely came, and if it did, it didn’t feel like this at all. I actually felt a lot more dizzy and uncomfortable then, while now I felt more nauseous and an actual stabbing pain was soaring through me.  
  
“Not during this amazing week we were going to have!” Jack gasped and grabbed me by the hips, making me stand between his legs, meaning he was completely naked in front of me and nothing was covering him anymore.  
  
“Hey, we’ll just have to wait and see, maybe nothing will happen.” I contradicted my previous statement. I didn’t want him to get discouraged, because I knew it wasn’t going to happen and that would just leave us both frustrated.  
  
He placed one kiss on my stomach and glared at it. “Listen up here. You’re going to wait one week more. Don’t leave me hanging here, ok?”  
  
I ran my fingers through his messy hair, making a half-arsed attempt at fixing it. My mind was some place elsewhere, thinking about my future. Jack didn’t know yet about my problem and I was honestly afraid to tell him about it. I knew it wasn’t anything I could do something about and that there were always some solutions, but still. Maybe it was too early about thinking of having kids with Jack, but I didn’t want to trap him. I’d rather have him end it early on because of me not being able to give him a child than have him do it when I was madly in love. It was easier on everyone that way.  
  
“Hey, Stevie?” Jack said out of nowhere, breaking me out of my deep thoughts. He thought we were just having a moment, a quiet one at that, and not that I was worrying myself about something.  
  
“Yeah?” I mumbled in reply, trying to stay at the level of noise the room already was.  
  
It was like his question was the most ironic thing to happen at that time. “I’m not sure how you feel about people asking this, but I watched you on _The Ellen Show_ and you said we weren’t exclusive. So, I wanted to ask you if you’d be my official girlfriend.”  
  
My eyes widened in size as my heart picked up speed. I couldn’t believe he was already this serious about it. Sure, I knew I didn’t want to be seeing anybody else but him, but I wasn’t expecting him to be so onboard with it. For some reason, I actually believed he was ok with all the dates, but that this was more fun to him than anything else. Maybe the title ‘girlfriend’ still included that, but it did sound a lot more steady.  
  
“We can still take it very slow and keep it from the public until your divorce is finalized.” Jack suggested when I started taking too long with my answer. “I don’t know if that would change anything, but it’s fine by me. I just thought that since I’m not seeing anybody else and don’t want to see anybody else, we could just go for the full package deal.”  
  
“Hmm… ok.” I smiled, not really thinking much about my choice. To me it was obvious. If this was what he wanted as well, then I was more than happy to make it take that next step. Even my hesitations due to my infertility had completely disappeared.


	11. I Lied but Didn't Know Any Better

Jack and I did spend the greater part of our week together. We hadn’t just been confined to my bedroom. With Judy gone and me giving David a week off, the house was completely empty except for the two of us. In just a matter of one week, I had had more physical contact than I had had in years while still technically with Travis. I hadn’t felt so happy and carefree in ages. There was this weight permanently lifted off my shoulders. I felt so free that I didn’t think twice whenever Jack stayed over for the night. It was such a natural step in our relationship.  
  
But that didn’t mean the euphoria got to last forever. Jack had just arrived in LA and had spent most of his time with me. His friends were begging him to come hang out. I encouraged him to go. With my hectic life, I was more than happy to have a quiet day just to myself and nobody around to bug me. Jack did ask me if I wanted to come along, but that was just a loud flashing disaster waiting to happen.  
  
I took advantage of my quiet day like I had told Jack, and brought a blanket and snacks with me to the TV. While most people would say that watching reality TV was their guilty pleasure, mine definitely was watching documentaries. It did matter what they were about, they were all interesting, but I loved the ones about nature. They were so calm and pure. The facts were never retained in my brain, but the images were so beautiful to watch. Maybe it had something to do with my love of the zoo as a kid.  
  
Another good thing about these documentaries was that they were easy to fall asleep to. I could easily turn one on, cuddle up on the couch, and fall asleep without annoying background noise. It was all I expected from my day in. I even managed to fall asleep despite the stomach pain I still had and the mild bloating. It wasn’t too bad to handle.  
  
That all changed when I woke up. I didn’t wake up naturally or due to a sound from the TV. No, this was a very uncomfortable way to be awoken. There was a stabbing in my right side, causing me to double over in pain immediately. Before my brain could fully comprehend that I was indeed awake, bile rose up my throat, not leaving me any time to try and hold it back. I just barely missed the couch and carpet.  
  
Adrenaline started rushing through my body as it was trying to fight the pain. Tears were prickling in my eyes as I desperately tried to locate my phone. Something was wrong, really wrong. I needed to call someone to help me. But I was unfortunate enough to find my phone had fallen from the couch as was now on the floor.  
  
I tried reaching out for it, but I couldn’t. Every single movement I made made the pain stab me yet again. Of course, nobody was around when this happened to me. Everybody was always constantly around me, but nobody was even close now. I had to get that phone even if it meant hurting myself more. Waiting wasn’t going to get me anywhere, it would make things even worse.  
  
I tried to shuffle up the couch to reach it, but every single time I reached out my arm, I felt like everything inside me was being ripped apart. It wasn’t like the usual stabbing pains that came along with periods. No, this wasn’t discomfort, this felt like I was actually dying. I knew the difference now.  
  
Letting out a loud groan, I rolled myself off the couch, praying I wouldn’t fall into my own throw-up. Although the impact only made my bones ache along as well, I was now able to reach for the device and shakingly picked it up. Judy was out of town, as was David for the day, the only logical thing to do was to call 911. But I dialed Jack’s number instead, starting to feel lightheaded from the pain.  
  
As I brought the phone to my ear, I tried to carefully shuffle so my legs were no longer at an uncomfortable angle. It was a mistake, it made the stabbing even worse. I yelled out, ‘fuck’ coming out of my mouth way louder than it ever had in my life, not even noticing the click of somebody answering the phone.  
  
“Well, hello to you too,” Jack chuckled on the other side of the line, sounding like he was somewhere busy like a restaurant.  
  
“Jack, I need your help,” I whined, the tears pricking at my eyes now starting to fall. I hated depending on someone. It sounded desperate and needy. But there wasn’t anything else I could do. This wasn’t something I could fix myself.  
  
“What wrong?” he asked, turning more serious after hearing my tone.  
  
“I don’t know.” I clutched my stomach, struggling to catch my breath. “It just really hurts.”  
  
“Hang on,” he told me, the background noise softly fading away as he moved out of the crowd. “What is?”  
  
“My stomach.”  
  
“Like it has been every day since I came back? I thought you told me they were period cramps. Aren’t they?”  
  
“I can’t move.” I started grinding my teeth together in hopes that the pain would become more bearable. “I’m on the floor and can’t move.”  
  
“Well, shit, Stevie, you shouldn’t be calling me, you should be calling 911!” he breathed out heavily, sounding concerned.  
  
Knowing he was right, I hung up on him without saying another word. I was afraid that I was going to pass out from the pain before I could call for medical help. Of course, Jack knew something was wrong, but he wasn’t exactly an ambulance with paramedics that could find out if it was a life-threatening situation. With how much agony I was in, I wasn’t going to risk anything anymore.  
  
In no time, I was told that an ambulance was coming my way. There was just one more problem. The gate was closed and my front door was locked. I couldn’t tell security to let in the ambulance without hanging up yet again, but the operator kept telling me I shouldn’t hang up.  
  
I really got myself into a sticky situation...  
  
Until I remembered that I could give them the code for the keypad and tell them where I had hidden a spare key. It was nowhere near the ideal circumstances for an emergency, but it had to do. There was nothing else that could be done. All I could do was stay on the phone in excruciating pain, hoping they would come quickly. The minutes felt like hours.  
  
I passed out just after they moved me onto the stretcher. Even if I wasn’t the one making the movements, the pain was piercing. I could even say the pain was worse when they were the ones picking me up, I passed out after all.  
  
The remainder of the time, I didn’t get to really experience. I was passed out when they put me in the ambulance. When I woke up while we were driving, they gave me some heavy painkillers as they started to try and diagnose me. Little old loopy me was then transferred into the hospital and straight into an operating room where I was given anesthesia. So, obviously I was out during the operation, and then it took me a while to wake up from that. After a couple of hours, though, I was in a hospital bed, in a private recovery room, the sun setting outside the blind-covered windows.  
  
I was still in the hospital gown since I didn’t have a change of clothes, but I did happen to have my phone. No charger, but at least some battery. As soon as it was going to die, I had nothing to keep me busy. At least I could still check my emails and read up on the news for now. But all I got was flashing headlines yet again: _Stevie Barrett Rushed to the Hospital. Ambulances at Stevie Barrett’s LA Residence. Stevie Elise Barrett RUSHED to the ER. Stevie Elise Barrett Rushed to Hospital Due to Unknown Cause._  
  
They weren’t bad rumors, but it sure as hell was annoying. Here I was, just having had an operation, surviving the severe amount of pain I was in, and other people were earning money from it. It was nobody’s business that I was ‘rushed’ to the hospital in ‘extreme panic’. I knew for a fact that people were now trying everything to get their hands on what happened to me. They didn’t know--so they were starting to make up things--and they didn’t have to know.  
  
There was a knock at the door, making me look up from all the articles I was rolling my eyes at.  
  
“Hey,” Jack smiled as he carefully opened the door, first peaking in with his head to check if he could come in, then following with the rest of his body and a duffle bag.  
  
“Hi,” I sighed, switching off my phone and putting it beside me on the bed. “I’m sorry about earlier.”  
  
“No, don’t worry about it,” he shrugged it off, putting the duffle bag at the end of the bed before taking one of the chairs and moving it closer so he could sit to my left, “although you did have me scared when you just hung up on me.”  
  
“Yeah, I suddenly realized I was maybe risking my life talking to you instead of getting emergency services to come to me,” I explained, wanting to sit up a little, but stopping when I felt a tug at the stitches on my side.  
  
“Well, good. They were at your place before I was. I literally arrived when they were closing the ambulance doors.” He leaned forward so his elbows were on his upper legs. “I knew there was nothing I could do, so I just decided to go inside. I cleaned up and got you some clothes ‘cause I know there’s nobody else who can help out right now. You have a lot of clothes.”  
  
“Oh, Jack,” I scrunched up my nose, feeling a light blush spread across my cheeks, “that’s disgusting. You shouldn’t have cleaned that up!”  
  
“Hey, let’s just say you owe me one when I’m blackout drunk and don’t make it to the bathroom in time.” He laughed, bending over so he could reach out for the duffle bag, putting it in his lap. “I just took some--what I believe are--loose-fitting clothes. But I’m not completely sure. Just take a look and I can go out to get anything else you need.”  
  
I held out my arms to show he could place it on my legs, not daring to twist my upper body just yet. Not only was I afraid I’d do something to the stitches, but I was still a little nervous about feeling the same pain again.  
  
I took a look through the bag, finding a pair of oversized pajama shorts, some t-shirts I often also slept in, a few pairs of panties, and some electronics including a charger. “This is just fine, thank you.”  
  
He took the bag back from me and placed it on the floor, only this time beside the chair he was sitting on. After a few seconds of silence, he went back to his leaning-forward position and looked at me. “So, I’m guessing these weren’t cramps.”  
  
I shook my head softly, carefully placing my hands on my stomach. “No… my appendix was on the verge of bursting. They removed it just in time.”  
  
“Okay, so now I know you often like to make things seem less than they are.” His eyes were wide as he glanced at my hands and back up again.  
  
“It really wasn’t that bad until today!” I argued, crossing my arms and gasping at him.  
  
“Oh yeah, cause you weren’t occasionally hissing in pain before.”  
  
“That’s unfair. I really didn’t think it was anything bad! I’m used to getting bad pains occasionally. Obviously, I underestimated, but I didn’t know any better.”  
  
“You get pains more often?” He frowned, subconsciously running a hand through his hair. “Why?”  
  
I flinched a little, forgetting that Jack knew nothing about any of that. Nothing in me was sure if this was the right time for this conversation, but it did come up naturally. I couldn’t just dismiss it. “So, umm, about that… well, you might think it’s a bit too early for us to discuss in our relationship, or you might think it’s too late to mention it…”  
  
“What?” The intrigue and slight fear came through his voice as he shuffled to the edge of the chair.  
  
“Well… I have problems with my period.” I tried to explain in a way he could easily understand. Even I had trouble understanding it all. “That means that I sometimes get horrible pains, sometimes it occurs every month like it should, sometimes I don’t have it for three years, mostly I only get it every few months up to a year, which then also in turn means I can’t get pregnant. Well, actually there’s like one in a million chance, and that’s a lot of sex to have.”  
  
“Oh…” He nodded, taking in my jumbled information and processing it. “Okay… So, that means…”  
  
“That means I don’t have a week a month where sex becomes taboo and your chances of getting me pregnant accidentally when you’re not ready are pretty low. However, it also means that if you are ready, then the chances are still very low.”  
  
“Yeah, I get that. I’m just trying to figure out what to do with this information.” He broke out of his trance, seeing both the ‘positives’ and the negative of what I had just told him. “Thanks for telling me, I guess. I mean, if, when--I don’t know--the time comes, we’ll probably think of something. But, like you said, it’s not exactly the thing on my mind right now.”  
  
“I totally agree,” I nodded, grinning at him to show that his reaction was good. We weren’t at the point in our relationship where we were thinking so far into the future, especially a future together, and he didn’t freak out for any reason. “My mind is rarely on it. The only time I did have some trouble with it was when Travis and I just got married and everybody was pressuring us. If it really was what we wanted, then we would have thought of a way. But I’m not pressured at all right now, so I’m cool.”  
  
Jack smiled and picked up my left hand, bring it up to his lips and pressing a kiss on my fingers. It was like a silent agreement that after everything we said, we both agreed that it was important that this was spoken about, but that it wasn’t something to worry about now in our relationship. It was still too fresh despite the public knowing about it. We weren’t anywhere near close to that step, we weren’t even close to moving in, we hadn’t even gone as far to already have fallen in love with each other. It was just something that could be important later on.  
  
But our moment didn’t last for long. There was another knock at the door, only this time a nurse walking in. She glimpsed between me and Jack, putting on a friendly face.  
  
“Hey, I just want to give a heads up that the visitors hours are over,” the older woman told us, not stepping any further than the doorway.  
  
“I guess it’s time for me to go, then,” Jack told the both of us and got up. Before leaving, he looked down at me a promised, “I’ll see if I can come visit again tomorrow, okay?”  
  
“That would be nice,” I agreed, letting him bend down to quickly give me the first kiss on my lips he had given that day.  
  
I watched as he left and picked up my phone again while the nurse entered my room to check up on me.


	12. A Confusion of Attitudes and Partners

Hospitals suck no matter who you are. Yes, of course it’s true that with fame and money, your stay is technically better. I was in a private room for privacy reasons, and I didn’t need to worry about any of the costs hitting me too hard. But I was also sitting around in a hospital bed that just _wasn’t_ comfortable and being all alone for so long just _wasn’t_ all too pleasant.. Maybe it was first world problems, maybe even ‘rich girl’ problems. I didn’t complain to anybody and I was only there for two more days and a night after the surgery, but I got lonely too.  
  
My favorite moments were when people came to visit me. It made things just a little less lonely and people who I hadn’t seen in ages came to check up on me. Sure, you could say they weren’t real friends if they only came to see me while I was sick and didn’t really hang out with me on normal days, but you’ve got to remember that we were all so busy. One moment, you’d get super close to somebody--a fellow actor, a musician, somebody else in the industry, maybe even somebody outside of it--and the next your schedules start clashing. One of you has to be on the other side of the country to film something or promotion is becoming hectic. On one hand, you rarely get to meet ‘everyday’ civilians, but on the other you also rarely are able to really get close to somebody on the same ‘level’. It was more complicated than it should have been.  
  
It was why I was actually surprised my relationship with Jack had managed to last this long already. We had been dating for a few months, but it certainly didn’t feel that way. Jack had been gone for quite a while and I hadn’t managed to visit him. It was the classic clashing schedule thing, really. However, we managed to keep contact, unlike many friendships I had had. But then again, we did have a slightly different relationship, so it made sense at the same time. It was something I wasn’t going to overthink. It was in the past and I was living in the present.  
  
Back to laying in the hospital bed in a sterile room that stained all my clothes with the generic ‘hospital smell’. My time here was going to haunt me back at home for a while longer. The clothes were easy to wash, but a backpack could be quite tricky. Both could most likely go in the washing machine, yet something told me one was easier to clean than the other. The first thing I was definitely going to do when I got home was take a nice long shower and get rid of the smell in my hair.  
  
For now, all I had was Travis and his best friend Andrew--who preferred to be called ‘Andy’--who came to visit me and check up on how I was doing.  
  
“--so you know how I’m usually chill with most things, right?” Travis was wrapping up his story about this girl he went out on a date with. “This went too far for even me. I tried, but I couldn’t.”  
  
I nodded with forced and forged impression, mocking how non-judgemental Travis really was in relationships; all the way from backstory to kinks. “You finally found somebody who one-upped you! As soon as this divorce is finalized, you should marry her.”  
  
“No, Stevie, you missed the point. I couldn’t, I had to break it off,” he emphasized, leaning forward on the plastic chair next to me and clasping his hands together in a dramatic motion.  
  
“I’m kidding,” I laughed at how serious he was being, reaching out to hit him on the kneecap. Travis definitely wasn’t one of those people who didn’t understand sarcasm, but when he had a strong opinion, he made sure it was clear.  
  
“You can’t mess with Travis like that, you should know by now, Stevie,” Andy commented from where he was standing, looking at all the cards I had gotten all displayed on the desk against the opposite wall--another perk of a private room.  
  
“He’s right,” Travis agreed with a chuckle, slowing getting up from his seat. “Anyway, we’ve got to get going.”  
  
“Awe, okay,” I pouted, not wanting to be all alone again in the boring white and gray room with the window that I just couldn’t look out of.  
  
“Don’t miss me too much,” he winked jokingly.  
  
To clarify, this was what my relationship was like with Travis the past couple of years. Back when I unexpectedly saw him at the script read-through, things were a little awkward for the reason that it was just that… _unexpected_. I didn’t want to fuck up the divorce back then and was unsure of any rules. Now, however, he got an exception to visit me, as long as somebody else was there. If we weren’t forced into a specific situation with specific behavioral rules, then we just acted like the buddies we had been since we first met.  
  
Before the two boys could leave, however, another person decided to join. They didn’t knock, which is almost never a good idea, but it made sense when they walked in. After barely opening the door with his elbow, Jack walked in--or more… _twirled_ … in. His back was first towards us as he pushed the door open and he spun around to properly walk in. It was then that he saw that I actually already had company, but he quickly recognized they weren’t doctors, so it was fine.  
  
“And here I was, thinking that I was the only one who came to visit you.” Jack shook his head softly, his hands still holding the paper bags that prevented him from opening the door normally.  
  
“Well, we were just leaving.” Travis smiled politely, knowing by now that Jack was my boyfriend but not wanting to make a big deal out of it.  
  
I also didn’t think my ex-husband and current boyfriend would meet like this. Honestly, I didn’t even imagine how they would have met at all. Maybe at some red carpet event or something. I had never given it much thought. You don’t really make your current relationship meet your ex… but Travis and I were still really good friends, and not in the way most celebrities say when they ‘mutually’ split up. We had been best friends and were always going to be that way.  
  
“I have enough burritos for, like, six people…” Jack offered, reciprocating the politeness. Of course, he didn’t buy them for the two other guys, but he wasn’t just going to send them away.  
  
“No, really, we’re already late to our next destination,” Travis brushed off while Andy and I were just watching the interaction like we were watching how two predators interacted in the wild.  
  
“Guess I’ll eat ‘em all then,” Jack laughed and put down one bag on the table with the cards, shifting them a little further together so the other bag could fit on as well.  
  
For their final goodbyes, Andy and I did our ‘handshake’, which wasn’t all too special, just something left over from a drunken night when Travis and I just started to understand what it was like to be famous. My interaction with Travis, however, was just a little different. Since we still had so much respect for each other, but weren’t in love anymore, him kissing me on the cheek wasn’t anything too special. To others, it might have looked differently, but to us it was just us being friends.  
  
Jack immediately replaced Travis by sitting down in the same chair as soon as the two men had left the room. It wasn’t like he was trying to push them away, he was just really excited to be here again despite the environment and setting.  
  
“I refrained from kissing you with them here, and he just kisses you on the cheek. Psh, rude,” he scoffed in a joking way with some slight seriousness behind it.  
  
“Well, you’re free to do so now,” I grinned back.  
  
In a matter of a few seconds, Jack raised himself up off the chair just enough to reach me up on the bed and have our lips come together for a kiss. To help stabilize it, I put my hands on either side of his face and raised my upper body as well. His slight stubble only scratched slightly, but it wasn’t anything unfamiliar. The only thing risky was that we were sharing a little more than just an innocent kiss in a hospital.  
  
Before anything could threaten for it to go further, there was a knock at the door and barely enough time for me and Jack to pull away. We were just mere inches away when the door opened and a head popped in. It was Travis, who clearly noticed that he had walked in just at the wrong moment but wasn’t just going to leave without doing what he came for in the first place.  
  
“Sorry, I forgot to leave this behind,” he excused and held up a bundle of paper, looking around where he could put it down before quickly shuffling up to the bed and putting it on the end close to my feet. “Anyway, really have to go. Love ya.”  
  
“Love ya five-ever!” I shouted after him in a joking way as he started closing the door behind him while leaving.  
  
Jack just frowned and got off the chair just slightly so he could stretch out and pick up the fairly heavy A4 pile of paper. He took a look at the front cover before saying, “so he came here to bring you the script yet he forgot to give it.”  
  
I shook my head softly as he gave me the latest version of first scenes we were going to be filming. “No, they were going to send the script to my house, but Travis was already going to check up on me so he decided to bring it instead.”  
  
“Oh, of course,” he nodded nonchalantly and got up yet again, only this time walking the distance to the small table to get the food he had brought. “Anyway, I brought this so you don’t have to eat the horrible hospital food and thought I’d join you.”  
  
“Thank you.” I smiled and took the paper bag he handed to me, opening it as seeing a freshly made burrito wrapped in tin foil. “You know, my personal trainer is going to hate me dating you. I’ve been eating like shit.”  
  
“That’s the only downside to being around me,” he laughed with a shrug as he pulled out his own food which happened to be similar to mine, only he had three, proving my point.  
  
“Oh wow, you’re overly confident that you’re perfect in every way possible,” I joked back and removed the tin foil before taking a bite.  
  
“Hey, I’m just telling the truth!” he retorted and also started eating, adding, “honestly, though. It’s better to be confident than get hung up on everything that isn’t perfect according to society's standards.”  
  
“Difficult, but true.”  
  
We ate in silence for a while. There wasn’t much else do to. All we were doing was enjoying each other’s company during dinner in a hospital. Of course, it was fun talking and getting to know each other better, but there’s only so much you can say while trying to eat.  
  
“What are you going to be doing the next couple of days?” I asked, an idea popping into my head as I was halfway through my burrito and Jack was starting his second one.  
  
“You know… the usual,” he answered while pulling away the tin foil.  
  
“Drinking at clubs?” I suggested which got me a very guilty nod. “Well, how do you feel about the beach?”  
  
“It’s pretty cool,” he commented with his mouth full. “I haven’t been in a while.”  
  
“I still have a few days before we start filming. How do you feel about going to the beach during that time?”  
  
“Like to Santa Monica or something? I’m down. We should probably go when it isn’t too busy, though.”  
  
“No, I mean go to my apartment in Malibu for like two or three days.”  
  
“Wait…” he froze and stopped eating, looking at me. “You have an apartment on the beach?”  
  
“Yeah, where else do you think I threw parties when I was 19 years old?” I scoffed mockingly as if it was an obvious thing to have.  
  
“Well, now I’m totally down. I’ll happily cancel any plans I possibly have.”  
  
“Then that’s sorted.” I grinned back, excited myself not just to go to the beach again but also because this was my first weekend away with Jack (if we were going on a weekend, otherwise we’ll just consider it a weekend during the week).  
  
Strangely enough, our relationship was both moving slow yet also fast. There was some time before the stages, but actually reaching the next stage was like bungee jumping.


	13. My Weird Phobia of Sand

I knocked on the door after seeing that it was closed despite being buzzed into the apartment building just a minute before. All my belongings were already in the car downstairs, I was just missing the person who was supposed to come with me. We had decided to meet up at nine in the morning, it was already half past because I was stuck in traffic, and something told me that Jack still wasn’t ready. Maybe it was the fact that he wasn’t there all ready to go and that I was being locked out instead.  
  
As I expected, Jack opened the door quite frantically and quickly pecked me on the lips. “Hey, I’m almost ready, it will just take a couple of seconds, come in.”  
  
“You’re literally still in your boxers,” I pointed out, assuming this wasn’t just going to take a ‘couple of seconds’.  
  
“Hey, you are late yourself!” he retorted as he closed the door and started bouncing back to his bedroom.  
  
“Because of traffic. And that totally doesn’t help your case,” I laughed as he swatted the air to get me to shut up before disappearing into his bedroom, leaving me with the roommates who I still didn’t really know.  
  
Just like the last time I had seen them, they were all looking at me. Only, I wasn’t as awkward. I knew Jack was fine with me being here and we knew each other a lot better than that first time. There wasn’t any ambiguity. However, although Jack and I got to know each other, I did not really get to know his roommates any better. I knew a little through stories he told, but that was it really. We never really hung out at his place. He usually came over to mine.  
  
“You know,” I broke the tension as I looked back at them all eating at the large dining table, “you guys can’t just always only stare at me whenever I come over. It’s a little creepy.”  
  
“Don’t you usually come with a bodyguard?” The guy who actually should have had his back to me, but was turned around to look, and also whose name I knew was Andrew, asked.  
  
“Yes, usually.” I nodded, staying where I was, letting one of my feet trail the grain of the wood floor. It was a slightly weird question, but it was a start. “But I decided not to take him along this time, which I’m probably going to regret, but it will be fine.”  
  
“Regret?” He rose one eyebrow and acted like he was interrogating me.  
  
“People tend to… swarm,” I replied and made a circular gesture. “I’m just praying that won’t happen the next few days. I can be lucky.”  
  
“Just don’t expect Jack to protect you,” another roommate, whose name was Dan, snorted and stuffed some cereal into his mouth. “You could probably beat him in a fistfight.”  
  
“Oh, I know,” I emphasized, starting to like him more than Andrew who seemed too skeptic of me. “I still train with a personal trainer five times a week, depending on my schedule. Jack prefers to train how many shots he can drink in the span of one night.”  
  
“I was about to say, you can be better an anything you want, but you won’t beat Jack in a drinking game!”  
  
“I’m not a lightweight either,” I laughed, yet had to agree, “but Jack would definitely win.”  
  
“Stop flirting with my girlfriend!” Jack complained jokingly as he finally came out of his bedroom fully dressed and with a duffle bag on his shoulder.  
  
“Sorry, I’ve already decided I’m leaving you and running off with them,” I apologized.  
  
“Oh, ha ha, you’re funny,” Jack poked fun at me and threw an arm around my shoulders to get me to leave with him and not waste more time with his roommates.  
  
“If Jack dies, we’re calling the cops on you,” Andrew worded like a joke, but sounded a tad too serious.  
  
“I’ll plead voluntary manslaughter!” I retorted with a smile.  
  
It was all okay. Jack had a roommate that didn’t particularly like me. Maybe it was because he hated my movies, maybe he hated the person the media made me look like, maybe he didn’t like the idea of Jack just dating me in general, but that was all okay. It wasn’t just coming from one side. I also had somebody who disapproved of my relationship with Jack. David still hated Jack for the sole reason that he was a guy in a band. But that wasn’t stopping Jack from seeing me. Similarly, I wasn’t going to let Andrew stop me from dating Jack.  
  
“Bring him back by ten!” Dan shouted after us after we had gone out of the front door and were about to close it.  
  
“Can’t, we’re gone for a couple of days!” Jack responded and let the door fall shut.  
  
We walked downstairs together and put his bag in the back of the car as well. It seemed like not spending much time at Jack’s apartment was actually paying off. Usually, paparazzi hung around areas they knew a celebrity came to often. If they found out I was a regular at Jack’s they would be scoping the area non-stop and would have already caught me during the short distance from the building to my car in the parking lot.  
  
I automatically went to the driver’s side since it was my car and I had driven there in the first place. Yet, Jack still felt obliged to ask, “don’t you want me to drive?”  
  
“Nah,” I shook my head and unlocked doors, quickly poking my head over the car to look at him, “but you can be in charge of the music!”  
  
“Oh, you’re going to be getting some great music education. I’m making you listen to all my favorite albums from when I was a teenager!”  
  
“It’s not that long of a drive, but if you say so.”  
  
It was exactly what he did. Different bands made an appearance. We rarely listened to an entire song. Jack would talk about things he would love about a specific song, make me listen to it, then describe it again excitedly, before going to the next song. Only his absolute favorites were listened to in ‘silence’. He would request that silence, only to make comments himself. It was quite hectic, especially whenever traffic got exceptionally busy. However, I loved hearing Jack talk and be enthusiastic about something he was passionate about. It actually influenced my own opinion on the music and made me like it just a little more.  
  
I gave Jack a quick tour of the apartment when we arrived and decided to bring our stuff in. Well, I called it an ‘apartment’, but that was a bit of an understatement. I just called it that because it was an easier way to refer to it. You see, it wasn’t exactly in an apartment building. Nobody lived above me, below me, or next to me. It was one story, though.  
  
Oh, who was I kidding, it was a house. It just technically belonged to a larger complex.  
  
There were two bedrooms and bathrooms, so that’s already to say it was quite large. The kitchen wasn’t just a small thing pushed up on one wall, it actually had an island. And the dining room wasn’t literally a table next to it, it was another room that had large sliding doors. However, the best part was the living room with large windows on the side that showed the beach. It was literally on the beach when you opened those sliding doors, the floor transitioning seamlessly into the balcony with the very unnecessary pool and glass railing. And then there were stairs leading directly to the beach. It really was the place for me to throw parties when I was younger. Now, though, I only felt a little embarrassed by it. Jack seemed in shock from what it actually was.  
  
“So…” I breathed out when we got back to the living room, the doors already wide open from showing it before. “What do you want to do first? Head down to the beach straight away or--”  
  
Jack smoothly hooked an arm around my waist and pulled me into him as he pressed his lips against mine. I happily kissed him back and let my arms circle around his neck. Despite the two hour drive, he still smelled like he had just recently showered, making the kiss just that tiny bit more pleasant.  
  
“I believe I’ve gotten my answer,” I pulled away briefly only to be pulled back in.  
  
Jack leaned on the back of the couch and his hands went to rest on my hips, his fingers just grazing the top of my ass. Although anybody on the beach could literally look in and watch the show, I still stood between his legs and deepened the kiss, craning my neck down more. I had only been in the hospital for a few days and was a little wary after that, but I was all ready to get down again.  
  
“Mhh.” Jack carefully pushed me away and gazing into the distance. “I can’t do this with your wedding photo with Travis staring at us.”  
  
“Oh, right.” I nodded and looked around to where he was staring.  
  
The photo he was talking about was on a bookshelf. I quickly shuffled to where it was and flipped it so it was face down. But I didn’t want to risk Jack interrupting us again, so I started doing the same to all the pictures of me and Travis. There were quite a lot. A couple on a dresser and another next to the TV. It was totally inappropriate and I got why it was weirding Jack out a little.  
  
“I’m sorry,” I giggled awkwardly and went back to him and checked around myself one last time. “I haven’t been here in a while…”  
  
“I get it,” he said before giving me a smirk and held out his hands for me to resume my position between his legs.  
  
“I’ll get rid of them as soon as--” I started to tell him, but he cut me off by restarting our kiss.  
  
I actually didn’t want to get rid of them. They were part of my life, and a happy one at that. It wasn’t like I had had a horrible divorce and wanted to get rid of all the memories. Travis and I were still very good friends. But I also didn’t have any other pictures with my friends here. Maybe one was okay along with all the other photos I had with friends and family at my house. I could always keep the others in a photo album to remember. There was no need to rub it all in Jack’s face.  
  
Quite a while later, we finally got into our swimming costumes and decided to spend some time at the beach, which is why we originally came out here in the first place. Don’t get me wrong, I loved what we were doing beforehand, but it would be a waste to not actually got to the beach. We were only here for two days.  
  
I closed the sliding doors after we stepped out on the balcony and locked it before I hid the key close by. It wasn’t that I was afraid that somebody would come in to try and rob me while I was out in the water. Although technically illegal, some paparazzi would do anything to get their million dollar shot. I didn’t need somebody hiding out in my bedroom or bathroom.  
  
I scrunched up my nose as we stepped onto the sand, “I hate the feeling of sand between my toes.”  
  
“What?” Jack laughed, seeing me leaving my towel on the steps and did the same. “Shouldn’t you love the feeling along with late night walks on the beach?”  
  
“I just hate sand! It gets everywhere and I can guarantee that whenever I want to wear an article of clothing I brought with me here again later back home, I will still find sand. Especially in shoes!”  
  
“That’s why you don’t wear shoes on the beach, babe,” he teased.  
  
“I’m not wearing shoes now, am I?” I retorted back and started walking further towards the water. “And it feels horrible. It makes everything inside my body cringe.”  
  
“Fine,” Jack sighed dramatically and bent over, holding his hands out backward, “I’ll carry you on my back.”  
  
Although it wasn’t the outcome I was expecting, I hopped on his back, pushing myself up until my legs were comfortably around his waist and he could hold them. Without warning, he started charging towards the water despite the extra weight. It didn’t seem like he was going to slow down before he actually reached it, so I started screaming. The water started splashing everywhere as he ran into it until it was up until his hips, causing the water to occasionally touch the back of my legs and butt, making me squirm.  
  
“Don’t you dare drop me! Don’t you dare!” I screamed, trying to get a better hold of him by pressing myself up further against his back.  
  
And Jack didn’t drop me. He did something worse. He jumped up a little and plunged us backward so we both were submerged completely by salty sea water.  
  
“It’s cold!” I sputtered as I got back up to the surface while Jack laughed. I immediately reached for him and tried to get close, hoping to feel a little more heat.  
  
“Of course it’s cold,” he continued to laugh as he let me wrap my legs around his waist--from the front this time--and hug myself close to him, “what did you expect?”  
  
“A nice calm walk into the water, maybe go up until my legs, not be dunked into the water with my head under.”  
  
“Oh my god, you’re actually shivering.” There was still humor in his voice, but he was slowly becoming more serious again.  
  
“If my lips turn blue and I die of hypothermia, it’s your fault.”  
  
“I’ll plead voluntary manslaughter!” he referenced what I had shouted out earlier that day at his roommates.  
  
We continued to float around for a little bit despite me being quite cold. I decided to suck it up until I really couldn’t take it anymore. After all, we decided to go to the beach late in the year. It wasn’t summer anymore. But it was a pleasant exceptionally hot day. I started trying to fix Jack’s hair while we were taking. Since it had gotten wet, it was all floppy now and looked quite funny. Although my attempts were useless, it was still fun.  
  
“We should totally just have sex on the beach,” Jack said randomly as a joke at one point. “There is literally nobody here.”  
  
“Not true.” I shook my head and continued to look at him. “There’s a guy with a large camera hiding and taking pictures.”  
  
“Really? What?”  
  
“Yeah, he’s been there for a bit. I’m an expert at spotting them, but I tend to ignore them. They’re a little like birds or something. They just exist in the world.” I shrugged while looking in the direction where I could still see the guy thinking he was sneaky taking pictures behind rocks. “But when one find us, more will come. So, soon, they will be like literal birds and flock around.”  
  
“Should we head back inside then?” Jack suggested, still unsure how to act during these really personal moments. I got it, he wanted privacy, but I hadn’t had that since my first movie came out. It just took a while to get used to. Travis and I used to go to the beach and would have paparazzi blocking the view when we sat on our towels and we just ignored it all.  
  
“If you want to,” I told him, wanting to make him as comfortable as possible. “I’d like to go back cause I’m fucking freezing.”  
  
“Well, then we’ll just go back right?” he chuckled and held me close before starting to head out of the water.  
  
“What are you doing?” I shrieked when I noticed he wasn’t going to let go and that he was carrying me.  
  
“You hate the feeling of walking on sand right?” he continued to hold me as he got out of the water and started walking on the beach.  
  
As if on cue, paparazzi started making their way on the beach to get their own shots. Jack put me down on the steps to my house and picked up both towels. He wrapped the first one around me so I could warm up before putting the other on over his shoulders. As I started going up the steps, I heard my name being called out in the distance, but I ignored it, Jack doing to same.  
  
“They’re going to keep taking photos even when we get inside, especially since there is so much glass,” I murmured so only Jack could hear. “Even when they can’t see us anymore, they’ll wait out until they can. So, just be wary of where you change.”  
  
“I was thinking of doing something a little different than changing,” he whispered back deeply and kissed my cheek.  
  
“But I must request a shower first to get rid of the sand in places it shouldn’t be.” I found the key back where I had hidden it and unlocked the door, opening it just far enough for us to enter. As much as I loved having them open, it was quite pleasant having something separate me from the people now swarming outside.  
  
“And I shall help you with that.” He winked and took the towel from his shoulders.  
  
“The guest bathroom only has super tiny windows, we’ll go there.” I grabbed his hand and pulled him with me, knowing I would hate myself later for not making him clean the sand off his feet and legs before we went inside.


	14. Walking Away from the Scene

Days on set were long. We had to film an entire movie in a matter of months. It may sound like a lot of time, after all a movie is only around two hours long, but a lot of work gets put into it. Take after take has to be done. It’s rarer to have a perfect take in one go than having to redo it over and over again. Even if the first take was used, the director often decided to take a few more just in case. So, that led to my days frequently starting at five in the morning and only ending at ten in the evening. Being a main character meant busy days, not just a few scenes.  
  
The only thing that pulls you through countless of those days is the company and sneaking in a nap whenever you can. Even a five-minute power nap felt like a holy grail. Honestly, I spent most of my lunch break sleeping instead of eating. It was way easier to take bites of food in between scenes than it was to get in those naps. Of course, I did always eat something before I look that afternoon nap. I wasn’t going to hurt myself by not eating, even though my character was a drug addict and I had had lost a lot of weight for the role already.  
  
The day Jack decided to come take a look, I was afraid I was going to miss my power naps, but he was only able to make it when I actually had to be in front of the camera. For the specific scene I was working on when he arrived, I still had the pale skin and baggy eyes, but my hair wasn’t as much of a mess and my clothes didn’t consist of mainly rags stitched together. Although everything was in chronological order in a movie, or at least in the order the script wanted it to be, it definitely wasn’t filmed that way. If a similar location had to be used, we’d often shoot as many scenes as possible, the same went for if an actor only had to be there for a few scenes so they didn’t have to come for multiple short shifts. It was all just a lot easier.  
  
Jack was brought in by an intern while I was getting retouched in the makeup chair. The bags underneath my eyes and my cheekbones had to be overdramatically accentuated so the camera would pick it up. Every once in a while, they had to be touched up. I could have accidentally smudged something, or just the sheer fact of having to act could make you sweat off your makeup.  
  
“This is, like, a proper movie set!” Jack gasped as his greeting, appearing from behind me.  
  
“That’s because it is a proper movie set,” I laughed while the makeup artist briefly took a few steps back to get some other makeup.  
  
Jack quickly swooped in to kiss me and said ‘hi’ before taking a step to the side again so the makeup artist could continue her work.  
  
“You look terrible,” he commented.  
  
“Good,” I winked back, “compliments to the makeup artist Laura.”  
  
“Well, Laura,” Jack turned to her as she grabbed something from the items on the table in front of us before coming back to me, “good job on making her look really sick.”  
  
“Thank you,” she softly smiled, looking very pleased with herself now that she had gotten a compliment.  
  
She made her finishing touches, making sure that everything painted on my face was dramatic enough to be picked up by the camera, and set it all together with a spray. As soon as she announced that I was all done, I got up from the chair and took a look at myself in the mirror surrounded by lights. Occasionally, I would have suggestions, which the makeup artists would either agree or disagree with. If they agreed, I would go back to the chair and get a touchup. If they disagreed, they’d explain why and I’d see what they meant. This time, however, I had no further comments for Laura.  
  
I grabbed Jack’s hand as I tried to figure out where to go next, pulling him behind me. There were literally people everywhere walking around to do their job. Nobody was calling me over and I didn’t know what else to do either. I had my costume on, my makeup was done, and nothing was being currently filmed. All I needed was somebody to tell me I had to go up. But it seemed like they weren’t ready for that yet. The director was still discussing camera angles with the camera crew.  
  
There was just one other thing I could do.  
  
“Okay, I have no clue where I left my script,” I confessed as I led Jack and myself back to a calmer place.  
  
Although those director chairs were very cliche, we did have a place for us actors to wait out in between scenes if there was nothing else for us to do. It did indeed include those chairs, but it wasn’t like we had a chair just for ourselves. Well, a laminated piece of paper with our names on it was pinned to the back, but that was for a reason. It wasn’t as an ego boost. It was just a method for the other people who worked on set to know who was who. Although I was recognized a lot on street, it did not mean everybody here knew so too. It was actually the opposite of an ego boost.  
  
“We can just hang out here,” I told Jack, glancing at the high table to see if at least somebody’s script was there. But there was only an empty used mug. “If you want, you can sit on my chair for now, but nobody here really cares if you sit on another. I just really need to get my hands on a script.”  
  
“Isn’t there somebody you can ask?” he questioned and happily bounced over to my chair, sitting down in it and secretly grinning at the experience.  
  
“It’s not like I have some personal assistant, Jack.” I rolled my eyes. “I actually have to do thing mys--”  
  
A young girl with a headset came to my right. Her hands with full, one holding a clipboard loaded with a pile of paper that didn’t even fit under the clip and the other holding a paper cup of coffee. “Mrs. King-- Miss. Barrett-- What do I call you?”  
  
“Well, preferably not the first one, but you can call me ‘bitch’ and I will listen,” I joked, but sensed that it didn’t make the situation any easier for her. I didn’t answer her question and she was most definitely not going to call me ‘bitch’. So, I quickly added, “just call me Stevie, it’s the most neutral.”  
  
“Okay, _Stevie_ ,” she double checked if I was okay with her calling me by my first name and continued talking in a very fast pace, like she was super nervous, “I have an updated script for you. They made a few minor changes, but they need you to read over it and remember them.” She picked up the top layer of the pile of paper she handed and handed it to me. “And I also have coffee for you.”  
  
As she gave me the paper cup, I asked, “wait… did I ask for coffee? Cause I do not remember.”  
  
“Oh, well, no,” the girl quickly shook her head, now also seeming a little afraid, “but I went on a coffee run for the others and assumed you also would want something. Was I wrong to assume? I can take it back and throw it away if you’d like.”  
  
“Oh, no, don’t worry about some coffee.” I shook my head. “It’s a nice gesture. Did you get something for yourself as well?”  
  
“No, I don’t think that would be allowed.”  
  
“That sucks.” I frowned and handed the coffee back to her. “Here, take mine. I think you need it more than me. And if anybody gets mad at you for having coffee, just send them over to me.”  
  
“Are you sure?” She made sure.  
  
“Yeah, of course.”  
  
“Thank you!” She smiled timidly before scurrying away into the mass of people again.  
  
Jack laughed a little, also watching her disappear. “She was so afraid of you.”  
  
“I know,” I pouted although glad I now had a script again. “I feel so bad.”  
  
“Why? You were nice to her, you handled it really well,” he ensured me.  
  
“No, I feel bad that people feel like they need to be afraid of me,” I corrected him with a frown as I opened up the script to the scene I was in. “It either means somebody else scared them or I fucked up and scared somebody before.”  
  
“I wouldn’t take it personally. When I meet fans, some are also so scared. It’s not because they are actually afraid of me, but because they have this expectation. Like, they’ve been listening to our music for so long, and now they see that we are also real people. I think it’s mainly being so excited and not wanting to be a disappointment. Little do they know we would never be disappointed.”  
  
Although his speech was great and all, and would have really helped if the issue was still the thing controlling my mind. I had read something in the script that was a little more concerning considering the situation.  
  
“Right…” I nodded to acknowledge what he said while keeping my eyes on the paper in my hands. “Unrelated… but how do you feel about me making out with somebody else?”  
  
“What?” he chuckled as if expecting that I was joking. “Like a threesome?”  
  
“No, just another guy without you related in any way.”  
  
“Like cheating?” He furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. “Cause that’s not cool.”  
  
“No, of course not!” I scoffed and shook my head, looking up at him. “I mean, you chose the right day to visit. I’ve gotta go make out with some people on camera today. But I wouldn’t really call it proper kissing. It’s all part of the job.”  
  
“Oh, for the movie!” He nodded a thought for a few seconds, looking into the distance. “Yeah, okay.”  
  
“Okay, good. Because if you had a problem with that, we shouldn’t be dating.”  
  
“Yeah, no, of course. It’s like you not getting jealous because I’m surrounded by fangirls who want me in every _single_ way whenever I’m on tour.”  
  
“Exactly.” I smiled softly, happy that he understood where I was coming from.  
  
I had always been lucky so have been with Travis who was also an actor. Although you might think that kissing other people on set back when we were in love might have annoyed us because it was what kick-started our relationship, we understood what it actually was. We shared the same profession and were able to otherwise keep business and love separate. Neither of us ever felt threatened if the other had to do some ‘sexual act’ for the silver screen.  
  
I was glad that Jack understood as well. Although I really liked him, I wasn’t going to ruin my career for him. Now I got to have both without any trouble.  
  
Just a few moments later, I was stood in front of a camera, in the kitchen specifically designed for this movie. Many other scenes in the ‘house’ were actually filmed in a real house. The kitchen in that house, however, wasn’t ideal for the scene imagined. Hence us now being in something that resembled a warehouse with a random room in it instead of an actual kitchen.  
  
Nat and I shared a few last encouraging words after the director had walked us through the scene again, including the camera angles for the camera crew. We had already practically filmed the first part of the scene. It was centered around a heated argument between our characters. For the sake of making it easier, I’ll use my name and Nat’s instead of the characters’ in the following explanation. Nat figured out that I have been using his father and uses it for his own selfish reasons. At first, he tries to scare me away but attacking the fact that I’m a drug addict (who’s recovering after some character development, but still needs to pay off all the money I owe). Although I don’t feel anything for his father, I argue that I love him, that he knows it, and that he accepts me, that Nat should also do so for him and get over himself. Eventually, it leads to him revealing he knows everything and threatens to contact authorities. However, he isn’t doing this for his father. He actually secretly has a thing for me, and I happen to know. While that had already been filmed, we still overlapped the script a little for a flawless transition.  
  
“So, do it,” I urge, glaring at Nat who was at the opposite end of the kitchen island. He just stared back at me, making me repeat myself as I ripped the phone out of my pocket and stretched my arm out for him to grab it. “Come on, do it! I said _do it!”_  
  
He was meant to slap the phone out of my hand, however, his fingertips barely grazed it, causing it to fall lamely out of my hand and his hand hit the counter very loudly. I could literally heard how painful it was. He immediately broke character and grabbed his throbbing hand with the other one as if it would ease the pain.  
  
“Oh, _fff--”_ he groaned and turned around before shaking his hand.  
  
Although it obviously really did hurt, I couldn’t help but burst out in laughter. It was just so comedic to me that he already did this during the first take. Somehow, every single time we did a scene with just us two together, at least one of us got hurt during one take. Luckily, though, it never was all too serious. This time, they were afraid he broke his hand, but it turned out to be okay and we were back saying our lines again.  
  
This time we made it through the entire end of the fight and got to the part where we were just a foot apart, staring at each other. Nat was breathing heavily while I looked back at him with a knowing smirk--one that he couldn’t identify--before he built up the courage from his rush of adrenaline and slammed his lips against mine. The scene required us to go straight for it, skipping all the ‘pleasantries’. Immediately, I was pressed up against the fridge, causing me to push him back, our lips still interlocked, and remove his zip-up hoodie in the process. There was a continuous battle of dominance until I got him up on the island and lying down, me on all fours hovering over him while kissing him deeply. As soon as the director called ‘cut’ we broke apart and casually jumped down from the counter.  
  
However, just having one take wasn’t enough. There are always more things to improve and change or try out. So, the scene repeated over and over again. One time, a different camera angle was used, another time Nat and I got instructions on how to do something different, and occasionally something did mess up.  
  
During the fifth take, however, Jack sneezed very loudly just before Nat and I were going to have to lock lips yet again. He looked super guilty and was frozen in place, glancing around to see if anybody was going to get mad at him. Although it definitely did disrupt the scene, people could only laugh a little. And it didn’t matter all too much. Since Nat and I didn’t change our position, we could just keep rolling and continue like nothing had happened.  
  
Mysteriously, Jack disappeared after that.  
  
I only found him after we were done shooting the scene. He was back sitting on my chair in the rest area, scrolling through his phone.  
  
“Hey, where did you run off to?” I asked, catching his attention.  
  
He locked his phone and looked up at me. “Oh, I had to pee, but I kinda got lost. This place is a maze.”  
  
“And that took you a whole hour?” I raised my eyebrows, feeling like I was catching him in a lie.  
  
“Well, I didn’t want to risk going back and sneezing again or interrupting loudly in another way. That was probably one of those most terrifying moments in my life,” he replied and stuffed his phone into his back pocket.  
  
“I’m pretty sure that wouldn’t have happened,” I assured him.  
  
“I don’t know about that…” he sighed, looking in the distance towards the set, and shook his head.  
  
I frowned and took a good look at him, making him look back in slight discomfort. “Are you getting a cold then?”  
  
“Eh, maybe.” He shrugged before standing up. “Anyway, I’ve got to get going again.”  
  
“Well, I’m done as well. I’ve just got to get changed and contact Dave. He’ll probably be here in a few hours considering traffic. It’s too bad we didn’t get to spend too much time together,” I pouted.  
  
“Is that your way to ask me to drive you home?” He asked with one eyebrow raised.  
  
“Yes, please.” I grinned sheepishly and quickly pecked his lips.  
  
He rolled his eyes playfully, but his smile gave him away. “Ugh, fine.”  
  
I got changed in my changing room and took Jack with me to the makeup station to grab a makeup wipe before we left. Although the artist did a great job making me look sick, I wasn’t planning on looking like this outside of work. I could take off most of it just fine in the car. But, we happened to bump into somebody in the makeup chair.  
  
“Ste- _vie!”_ Travis hollered with his hands cupped around his mouth for a megaphone effect.  
  
I laughed softly and pulled Jack with me to go say hi to him. “What are you in for?”  
  
“I get to beat up and interrogate your rich sugar daddy today,” he smirked evilly, rubbing his hands together. “Are you going home already?”  
  
“Yeah, I’ve been here since five am. I’m just lucky enough not to have to stay until ten pm today.”  
  
“Awe, man, I was looking forward to having you see this dark side of me,” he sighed overdramatically before reaching over and grabbing a paper bag. “Anyway, take my leftover sandwich, I know you must be starving.”  
  
“I wouldn’t dream of it.” I shook my head to decline with a chuckle. “You cherish your sandwiches.”  
  
“And you always get hangry, and I won’t do that to my friend Jack.” He forced the bag into my hands.  
  
“Okay, fine. You’re right, I am hungry.” I accepted it before saying goodbye and kissing him on the cheek like always.  
  
As Jack and I started leaving the building, I began eating whatever Travis had bought or made. It was pretty good even though I had no idea what I was eating.  
  
“You want a bite?” I asked Jack, holding up the sandwich in front of him as we were walking.  
  
“No, I’m fine,” he answered coldly, focused on the exit.


	15. We All Fall Down

I hadn’t seen Jack in a while. I didn’t know why, but everything seemed off that entire time. The best way to put it was that he seemed distant. We used to text and call a lot, just to talk. But I hadn’t heard his voice in a week and a half, and all of his text messages were short. He was never the one to text me first anymore. It was like our relationship had done a complete one-eighty. Something happened that caused it to be one sided, that caused him to stop putting any effort into it.  
  
I asked him multiple times if he was cool with me coming over. It wasn’t like I was repeating it over and over again, annoying him. No, I was very careful when asking. He was obviously already put off, I didn’t need it to get any worse. He ignored me every single time until hitting me with a ‘let me check’. That was the furthest I had gotten. I never got a reply saying he was busy or if he was free.  
  
So, I just went over there. It probably wasn’t the smartest idea, but I had something for him. I had gotten it before he started becoming so distant, so I felt like I owed it to him. Honestly, I wouldn’t have bothered much to get the gift if it weren’t for him. My full intentions were to surprise him. But right in the middle of that process, he started to ignore me.  
  
I parked my car in the parking lot at his apartment complex and rang the doorbell outside the downstairs door. A short buzz came through the speakers before a small ring played. Eventually a crackle stopped the melody.  
  
“Hello?” The voice of one of Jack’s roommates greeted.  
  
“Hey, it’s me, Stevie,” I responded, silently praying that they would let me in.  
  
“Okay, come on up.”  
  
A similar buzz to the first one filled the air, only this time it lasted a lot longer. I reached out for the heavy black door and pulled it open before slipping in myself. My thoughts started trying to play out a scenario as I was waiting for the elevator to come down. I had no clue what was going to happen. Obviously, one of his roommates let me in, which meant that Jack didn’t do it himself (duh). Either it meant he was still ignoring me, or he just didn’t happen to be the closest. To me, it could only be a good sign that I was let in. At least his friends hadn’t been turned against me yet.  
  
I stepped into the elevator and started nervously picking at my thumbnail. What was going to happen when I saw Jack? Where things just going to go like nothing had happened? Was he going to act like he wasn’t just being a total dick for ignoring me without a reason? Or was he going to hate me and make the situation worse?  
  
Once I was stood in front of the apartment door, I knocked and just prepared myself for whatever was going to happen. Yet again, one of Jack’s roommates opened the door instead of Jack himself.  
  
“Hey.” Dan let me in, leaving me to close the door myself as he walked into the kitchen. “Jack isn’t here right now, but I’m sure he will be back soon.”  
  
“Oh, okay,” I nodded, gladly accepting the excuse and waved at Andrew who was sitting at the table with his laptop doing some work.  
  
“You can join us while you wait if you’d like,” Andrew offered. Although he was very skeptical at first, he had warmed up to me. I used to come over quite a bit, so it just happened naturally.  
  
I accepted and joined the two guys who were originally doing their individual things. Without even having to ask, I was given a cup of coffee by Dan and we just started to chat, waiting for Jack to come back from whatever he was doing. We got carried away a little, not noticing how much time was passing. Or, that was at least until Andrew checked his laptop again.  
  
“Usually Jack doesn’t take this long…” He frowned and double checked the time by looking at his watch.  
  
“Oh, shit, it’s been an hour,” Dan commented. “He’s often late, but not this late when you guys have made plans.”  
  
“Well…” I sucked in a breath and let my fingernails tap against my mug. “We didn’t exactly have plans. I mean, I messaged him multiple times over the past few days, but he never really replied. I thought you said he was coming back soon, that’s why I stayed…”  
  
“I thought he would be coming back because you were here…” Dan replied, making the situation a tad awkward. Luckily it wasn’t like we didn’t get along the entire time. But it was just a little weird for me to be here.  
  
“I wouldn’t have stayed if I knew… Honestly, I just wanted to drop something off and I happened to be close by. I think I should probably go.”  
  
“You don’t have to,” Andrew told me, trying to be polite.  
  
I shook my head and shuffled my chair back. “No, I should. It’s just weird waiting here for an hour without Jack expecting me. I don’t want to seem like somebody creepy. I’ll just leave what I wanted to give, like I should have done in the first place.”  
  
Just as I stood up, the door opened and Jack walked in. He didn’t notice me at first, but that’s when the real fear set in. I was just trying to leave so I didn’t seem like some girl who felt the need to come to his house just because he was ignoring me. Honestly, if I had been told Jack wasn’t there and wasn’t going to be back soon, I would have left. Now I just looked like I was forcing my way in.  
  
The entire situation was tense. I could just feel Andrew and Dan holding in a breath. However, when Jack’s eyes fell on me, he completely ignored my presence. He didn’t even acknowledge his own roommates, probably because I was there. Honestly, this was worse than anything I could have come up with. I just wanted to know what was wrong, and I felt like I had made the situation worse.  
  
“I should probably go talk to him…” I breathed out as Jack disappeared into his room, and abandoned my plans of leaving.  
  
Once I entered the bedroom, I saw Jack plugging his phone into its charger. He decided to act like he didn’t notice me and instead went through his notifications while sitting on the side of his bed. Just based on his posture, I could tell he was trying his best to give me the cold shoulder. He was turned away from me, taking his sweet time to read every single message, even for things he would usually ignore.  
  
“Jack…” I started, knowing there was no way to get past this unless we talked about it.  
  
But before I could even continue my attempt, Jack breathed out loudly, turning his head in my direction in annoyance. _“Really?”_  
  
“What’s wrong?” I tried to stay calm and approached him carefully despite the fact that his outburst was very unexpected.  
  
“You just come over here and hangout with my roommates without saying shit to me?”  
  
“Well, you see, that was just a misunderstanding,” I tried to explain, hoping to calm down the situation a little, but I could feel myself becoming more defensive as I continued talking.. “I thought they let me in because you told them to, while they thought you were going to come back because we had made plans. When I realised that was the case, I was going to leave, but that’s when you walked in and just completely ignored me.”  
  
“Maybe it’s because I wanted a little space.” He rolled his eyes and got up, shaking his head. “You can’t just go and show up at my place whenever the fuck you want.”  
  
“Hey, don’t put this on me.” I left behind my idea of trying to talk calmly. It obviously wasn’t working, and I wasn’t just going to let him make me feel like it was all my fault. “You’ve been ignoring me for ages. I asked if you were cool with me coming over, and you couldn’t even reply with a simple ‘no’. Honestly, that would have been a lot nicer than what you’re pulling now. Or are you trying to purposely hurt me?”  
  
“God you really know how to make things dramatic,” he scoffed and pushed past me, leaving the bedroom.  
  
I followed him, expecting to just take this to the kitchen or something while he either grabbed a drink or whatever else he deemed fit for the middle of a fight. Maybe he needed a light snack to keep it up. But no, he rushed past the kitchen and stomped past his roommates, going right for the front door and leaving the apartment.  
  
I felt pathetic following him, especially when he closed the elevator doors on me. Luckily, the stairs still existed. I rushed down them, at a speed that just barely let me fly down them without tumbling. There already were many reasons why I worked out multiple times a week, but who knew running after a boyfriend would be one of them.  
  
I still felt pathetic when I made it all the way down to see Jack just leaving the elevators. Was he really worth this?  
  
“No,” I stopped him from walking out of the building just by using my stern voice. “I am not letting you go without you telling me what the fuck is going on!”  
  
“Like you give a fuck,” he mocked.  
  
“Umm, I just ran down five flights of stairs. Do you honestly think I do not care?”  
  
“You know what? No, no I don’t,” he stopped trying to get away and went into confrontation-mode.  
  
“Care to elaborate? As far as I recall, I’ve been the one trying to call and message you, you’re the one ignoring it all.” I crossed my arms, feeling that he was somehow going to pin everything on me.  
  
“What does all that digital crap matter when you can’t even fucking care when face to face?”  
  
“I’d like to recall the moment again where you blatantly ignored me when you walked into your apartment.”  
  
“At least I’m not messing with your head,” he retorted.  
  
“Okay, can you just stop being ambiguous and just tell me what the fuck I did? Because this is going nowhere.”  
  
He shook his head in disbelief. “I can’t control what the fuck you do when I’m not around, but to be flirting with people right in front of my face. Really?!”  
  
“Who have I been flirting with?” I frowned. Sure, I could be overly nice to people when the situation called for it, but I couldn’t recollect any moment I had been flirting with anybody, especially with Jack around.  
  
“Well, you’ve been acting really cutesy with Travis, like you’re still some teenager with a crush.”  
  
“Travis and I are friends…?” I replied, questioning if Jack was being serious or not. “We literally got a divorce not long ago. Why the fuck would I even want to flirt with him?”  
  
“Lingering feelings are not an uncommon thing, don’t worry,” he snarled back sarcastically. “It’s not just him either. You and Nat seem more than happy to practise your scenes off camera.”  
  
‘Wait, hang on,” I took a second to check if I really heard him correctly. “You think I’ve been cheating on you?  
  
“There’s a thin line between think and know,” he sneered and made his move to leave. He opened the door and left.  
  
A few seconds later, I saw his car leaving the parking lot. It was as I feared. He really wasn’t worth following. Yes, I was upset, but I was too riled up for the reality to hit me. Even though neither of us had said the words, it was quite clear that this was a breakup. I regretted coming over and having this happen, but I was also glad he didn’t drag it out longer. At least I didn’t waste more time on him.  
  
After composing myself again, I took the elevator up to the fifth floor. Before ringing the doorbell, I tried opening the door myself. Somehow it hadn’t closed properly when Jack and I ran out, and I managed to get in without trouble.  
  
Dan and Andrew were still at the table, immediately alerted by my presence and trying to assess the situation.  
  
“Don’t worry, I’m just here to pick up my bag,” I said, seeing them relax a little bit. They probably thought Jack and I were going to go out somewhere or something. Little did they know it was the opposite.  
  
I pulled out the envelope with two tickets to a baseball game I knew Jack would have loved to see and put it on the table. “I was going to give these to Jack, they’re the entire reason I came here. He, however, does not deserve them. You guys do, though. So, go have fun, it was nice knowing you guys.”  
  
I left without any further comment and had no intentions of ever coming back.


	16. Baseball Pain

I’ve got to be honest. It had been nearly a month and it was weird. My relationship with Jack wasn’t the most serious thing there was. Sure, the public knew about it, we had labeled ourselves as boyfriend and girlfriend, and we hung out quite frequently. But it wasn’t like we had fallen in love yet and we didn’t spend that much time together. Yet it was still strange. There never was an official ending to our relationship. All that happened what that Jack got very mad, which was unreasonable, and he just left. Never during that conversation was there a clear ‘we’re done’ or ‘I want to break up’. But, let’s be honest, it was pretty clear based on everything else.  
  
Even if that fight didn’t indicate that we were over, then the silence since that encounter did. Jack hadn’t texted or called. Neither had I. He even went back to his instagram feed and deleted the three pictures he had on there with me, only leaving the one of the day we met because there were many other people in it as well. I felt like being on his level of pettiness and did the same to my account even though I only had one picture with him. The only reason I was still following him was because I didn’t want this break up to be too public. I didn’t need another relationship ‘scandal’ so soon after my divorce.  
  
The reason why I wasn’t that upset was probably because of the reason it ended in the first place. Yes, I was upset that we just ended so abruptly, but on the other hand I didn’t owe it to him to be upset. I really thought he was being completely unreasonable. Why would I waste my time by being upset about some insecure guy who had to think that everything had to be cheating? It really wasn’t worth it. That doesn’t mean I didn’t cry about it. I just didn’t stay cooped up for weeks because of it. After the first week had passed I had collected all my thoughts and reasoned my way through it. It might not have been the healthiest thing, but it was the most logical to me.  
  
What I didn’t expect was that somebody was going to ring my doorbell. You see, it might be normal for anybody else, but it wasn’t normal for me. I got phone calls from the security at the gate. I didn’t get people physically ringing my doorbell. Dave and Judy didn’t even ring it. They just came in with their own keys. This actually made my heart drop and fear settle in. I grabbed a kitchen knife in one hand and my phone ready to call security in the other before slowly approaching the front door.  
  
I could see the shadow of a person through the matte glass. They weren’t trying to hide, but that didn’t make it any less scary. Because I was taking so long to get to the door, they started to look around themselves. I reached out for the doorknob and hid the knife behind my back, ready to attack if I had to. As I turned the doorknob, I could feel my own heartbeat and the adrenaline started rushing through my body.  
  
“Oh, it’s just you,” I breathed out and relaxed, letting the knife appear from behind my back and just be held at my side. “Wait– What are you doing here?!”  
  
“Umm…” Jack’s eyes traffed down my arm and fixated on the knife for a few seconds before forcing himself to look at me. “Wh– Why are you holding a knife?”  
  
“If you’re here to pick up stuff you’ve left, go ahead and look for it, I didn’t bother collecting any of it. I’ll stay out of your way, but will not be leaving my own house,” I clarified for him, putting my phone back into my pocket and leaning against the door.  
  
“No, no that’s not why I’m here–” he couldn’t tell me any quicker, his eyes still flickering towards the knife. _“Why are you holding a knife?!”_  
  
“Well, let’s see, some random person just rang my doorbell. I don’t know if they were going to hurt me,” I explained, talking with my hands and making Jack flinch as I also moved the knife around.  
  
“Paranoid much?” he chuckled, his eyes still not daring to look away.  
  
“What would you do if somebody managed to get through security and is suddenly at your door without any warning? You could have jumped the fence or something.”  
  
“Oh, yeah, right… I forgot that is a rational fear for you,” he nodded while in thought.  
  
“Look, Jack,” I sighed, not sure if he was mocking me or not, or for what reason he was suddenly at my door, “why are you here?”  
  
“Oh, umm…” he scratched the back of his head before pointing at the knife. “Do you mind putting that away first?”  
  
“I really don’t have the time for this,” I told him. It was a lie, I had nothing else to do, but I didn’t feel like waiting for him to get out what he wanted to say. He wasn’t exactly my favourite person. “Just say what you want to say or leave.”  
  
He took a deep breath, finally looking away from the knife and decided to stop stalling. “Okay. I was a dick. A huge dick. And I want to apologise, because I realise everything I said was stupid and hurtful. I let my own insecurities get the best of me.”  
  
“Yes, and?” I urged him to continue despite it seeming like he had said his part. First of all, it was quite a self-centered apology, and second of all, I didn’t know what he wanted. Was this for his own conscious? Did he want to be friends? Did he want to get back together?  
  
“And…” he started again, taking the hint. “I realise you don’t have to accept my apology, but I’d like to give us another shot.”  
  
I looked at him for a long time, trying to form an answer. He was looking back at me hopefully. Now was the time I realised that not processing my feelings hadn’t been the greatest thing to do, because I didn’t know how to react. The only thing I knew was that he had said stupid shit, and he had realised that now. But it still didn’t feel like I could just be okay with it. It was deeper than that. Yet, I also didn’t know exactly what it was.  
  
“I don’t know,” was my final answer. The vaguest thing I could say yet the one that described exactly how I was feeling.  
  
“No, no, I get that…” he nodded, his hope faltering just a little. He reached into his back pocket and pulled out the two tickets I had left behind with his roommates. “I, umm, if you’re willing to at least give it a shot, I’d like you to take you to the game you gifted me tickets to.”  
  
“I don’t recall giving those to you.” I frowned and crossed my arms, careful not to hurt myself with the knife.  
  
“Oh, yeah, well Dan and Andrew were cool with me taking you,” he shrugged and rubbed the back of his neck again. He knew exactly what I meant, and that made me even more confused. I was being ambiguous yet he understood. “That it, of course, only if you want to go.”  
  
I checked the time on my phone and saw that it was supposed to start in half an hour. Part of me was screaming to close the door in his face and never turn back, but the other was so confused about his apology. I didn’t know whether to just go to the game and see what would happen, or not risk it.  
  
I looked down at my outfit consisting of just sweatpants and a sweatshirt. My hair was up in a very messy bun. Not exactly date material. My eyes flickered around the floor and I picked up the red converse at the door before finding a place to put down the knife. Eventually, I just put it down where the converse had been before.  
  
“Okay, let’s go,” I told him, getting a big smile in return.  
  
––  
  
I didn’t say much in the car while Jack was driving. He did try to make some conversation, but my answers were just as short as before. I was too busy still trying to figure out how I felt and what I thought of this whole ordeal. I was so busy thinking about it that I barely even said anything to him during the game. The most I said was a ‘thanks’ when he bought me a drink. I felt bad for him buying me things when I wasn’t even sure what I wanted from him. I probably should have been more in the moment, but at least Jack was enjoying the game.  
  
My thoughts were distracting me so much that I didn’t even realise what was going on around me anymore until Jack nudged my arm. I broke out of my trance and my eyes landed on the large screen at the scoreboard. When I read the words ‘kiss cam’ and noticed that we were the couple being filmed, my eyes went wide. I quickly looked at Jack who already was looking back at me.  
  
“Only if you want to,” he said, once again being annoyingly understanding.  
  
On one hand, I couldn’t just not do anything with so many people watching, but on the other this was a complicated situation. However, I didn’t have the time to think about it, I had to act fast. I don’t know what I wished happened, maybe I hoped this would give me answers, but I kissed him. It wasn’t just a peck. It was a proper kiss. Short, but proper.  
  
Once we pulled away, Jack whispered the most unexpected thing ever and it didn’t seem like it would help me at all. “I love you.”  
  
I stared back at him, unable to say it back. It would be wrong and a lie to do so.  
  
“I think we should talk…” I replied instead as if his words had rebooted me.  
  
He nodded in agreement, looking a bit shocked that he had said it as well. “Yeah, that’s a good idea.”  
  
“Don’t worry, we’ll watch the game first, but afterwards.”  
  
“We’ll leave a bit early since you don’t have security with you and I’d like to get you out of here in one piece,” he planned.  
  
So, that’s exactly what we did. We left before the masses, making it easy for us to sneak back to the car without being swarmed. Another plus side was that we weren’t stuck in traffic now to get back after Jack had searched my address on google maps again and started the navigation route.  
  
I was unsure if Jack wanted to start our talk now or if he wanted to wait until we got back to my place. I, personally, didn’t want to wait much longer. But I would totally understand not having this conversation in a car where neither of us could go anywhere. It would force us to talk to each other, though. Luckily, Jack made the first move.  
  
“I’m sorry about what I said back there,” he said after a few minutes of initial silence between us.  
  
“No, it’s okay–” I started to tell him.  
  
“No, it’s not. I just randomly showed up at your house to hope to win you back, I can’t just drop a bombshell on you like that. It was more of a heat of the moment thing. Completely inappropriate.”  
  
It was weird speaking to him while not having either of us facing each other. Although, it didn’t make it a lot easier. It felt like there was less confrontation.  
  
“I guess so…” I eventually agreed and took this chance to try to turn my feelings into comprehensible words. “But everything about today has been weird. I mean, you blew up on me, accusing me of things I would never do. And now you were suddenly at my front door like you were expecting me to think everything was okay.”  
  
“I realise I was a complete asshole. And nothing excuses it. I totally understand if you want nothing to do with me.”  
  
“How could I be with somebody who’s always afraid I’ll be out getting it on with my friends or coworkers, someone who’s always jealous?” I thought out loud.  
  
“I get that. I’m still not trying to make excuses, but I’ve barely had any serious relationships. The ones I did have always ended badly. Maybe I was just trying to protect myself from that happening again.”  
  
“But isn’t the most important thing trust? That would mean you’d continue to be jealous whenever I come into contact with another man. I just don’t think it’s worth losing my friends and jeopardising my career for a relationship.”  
  
“You know, I was afraid I wasn’t good enough for you, so I started getting all these irrational fears. When we started dating it was like a dream come true. I mean, you were my celebrity crush after all. But after a while, I think the ‘celebrity’ part of that started to mess with me and scare me. Like, people have expectations of you, you’re always in the public eye, you’re working with all these amazing guys that are way more in your league both looks and fame wise. It really did mess with me and I started rationalising it. But then, after our fight, I had this wake up call. I realised that everything I was thinking was complete and utter shit. I’m not saying that I’m the best guy out there, because I’m obviously not. I’m saying that I remembered that you’re also just a normal human being, and I was lucky to get to see that side of you. You’re not stuck in this world that everybody else sees, the one that started making me feel incompetent. I ruined my chance with this girl I really liked no matter how well known she is. I hurt you. Like, seriously hurt you. And I can’t believe I actually did that. All I can say is how sorry I am.”  
  
I turned to look at him and smiled softly. He said a lot more than just ‘sorry’ this time. This apology was just a bit better than the one he initially turned up with. Why? Because he wasn’t just asking for forgiveness and saying he was being a dick. He actually voiced his opinions and took the time to find the root of the problem. It wasn’t superficial. This wasn’t him being a jealous character, it was him losing sense of reality and he was obviously already trying to change that by telling me all this.  
  
“I acted like I was okay, but the shit you said really did shake me up.” I still had a few more fears. “How do I know you won’t go all jealous again? I can’t just change who I am to the outside world.”  
  
“I’m just going to have to trust you.” He shrugged. “And I’m sure I can do that now.”  
  
“Okay… but if you ever feel jealous again, I want you to talk to me about it like now and not just bottle it all up because I’m not going to be able to forgive this again. Do it once, you can change, do it twice, it’s going to be a trend.”  
  
Jack glanced at me quickly, his eyes wide open. “Wait, so are you saying–”  
  
“Yes, I’m willing to give us another chance.”  
  
He took hold of my hand and brought it to his lips before kissing it. I couldn’t stop grinning at how he was beaming the rest of the way back to my house.


End file.
